Getting ME back

It has been a long road of infertility and loss, 8 years- 2 diagnoses, One 5 year old and 5 angel babies later and I need to pour into me. I was 140 pounds in 2008 and now a whopping 268 lb. I have gained 128 pounds on this roller coaster and I want to give it all back. The anxiety, grief, worry, and weight. The pounds are representative to the burden I have carried and the guilt and shame related to having your body not work for you and not carry your babies safely. 

Everything that has happened along life's journey led me to nursing. I am 5 months away from my BSN and I want to represent what I stand for as a nurse, HEALTH. So here I stand as I have many times before ready to make a change. It is a difficult struggle with food and emotions for me but I believe I am really ready now. 

I have started by trying to drink a gallon of water daily, get in 10,000 steps daily, and at least 5/7 days an additional workout. This next thirty days that workout is CIZE also weight lifting at Orange Circuit. 

I am drinking shakeology daily. I have started back on Junel (birth control) to regulate my PCOS hormones. I am taking a daily prenatal and drinking apple cider vinegar and raw honey in warm water each morning to detox. Obviously the biggest part and the hardest part is the clean eating. I will be trying to stick to a 80% clean diet. 

I am going to step out of my comfort zone by being transparent with my weight and by adding in progress photos monthly. Here we go!

This was taken Day 1. I am currently on day 3 and have almost hit the 10,000 step goal and got my CIZE workout in on day 1 and day 2! I am working at my goals today currently. I cannot wait to see results! I will do this for me!

The Dream

I just lost my fourth pregnancy 37 days ago. It was a surprise after a 200 day streak without a period. It ended within a few days of finding out. Since then I have been eating strict paleo for 3 weeks now. I have been taking a cross fit class on Saturdays and working out in between. I have lost twelve pounds and on day 37 of my cycle today I started my period. So I would say things are looking up.

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in August to check my levels and address the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.

I had a dream three nights ago that I was in labor and long story short I was standing as the baby was crowning. Jason chickened out when the midwife mentioned catching the baby so I reached down and as the baby came out I grabbed under his armpits and pulled this perfect vernix covered chubby full term boy from my body and cradled him. I looked into his big round eyes and said "oh Miles, I love you".

It felt more like a promise than a dream... Like I was meeting my baby for the first time. I don't know if it was about a future baby or the baby I lost. But I am excited to find out.

C25K Week2 Day2 Stroller Eddition

I had the first Stroller Strut 2013 after my daycare day yesterday. And I thought if I am going to get out there and walk I might as well try my hand at doing C25K and running with my son in his stroller. And what I found is that as much as I love the ladies and kiddos who accompanied me and there lovely distraction from the exercise at hand; I HATE RUNNING WITH A STROLLER.

Because I am new at the running thing I have to focus quite a bit on my posture while running still. I have to make an effort to keep my shoulders and neck relaxed, to not look at the ground directly in front of me, keep my back tall and straight.  I lean forward with my (regular not jogging) stroller so my lower back is sore today. I must have had a much heavier step because I have shin splints and my calves were SO SORE during and after the run and this morning. Has anyone else noticed bruising on their calves (back of leg) ??

 Also  when cars went by I couldn't hear the cue of the podcast because I was playing it out loud for all of us to hear.  I don't think I am enough in my groove yet to run with people and still stay focused.  Overall I feel like it wasn't my best run. Oh and I did it two days in a row...and I think I really do need that day in between still.

Honesty

I am one of many people affected by PCOS. I am one of many women who struggle with infertility. I am one  half of too many marriages that have been saddened by losing their babies at any point in pregnancy.

And after all that and with all that said I blame my weight gain on all of that. PCOS is my GO TO excuse. And it very well may have been the reason for the initial gain. Now though I am educated on my condition and its failures and loopholes. I have yoyo dieted for a long time but not wrapped my brain or fully committed to a lifestyle change for health. I am now on board fully and intentionally. I am down 14 pounds and my confidence is growing. My body is changing. I started couch to 5k. I am signing up for a color me rad 5k in August. I have completed week one. Day one was hard. I was tired and out of breath. Day two my legs felt heavy but I wasn't out of breath. Day three I felt amazing. I was running for one of the sixty second intervals and I was Side Walk Cock Blocked by an older lady...ran out of her drive and right in my path and said GREAT DAY HUH? and i took an ear bud out to not be rude ( which apparently she didn't know) and she said its ok we wont melt right?! (it was sprinkling) and then loudly said OH WAIT WE WANT TO!! haha
Cue me running off! Have a good day .....in my dust....

And before I knew it I was thinking I have been running a while... and I hear the prompt on my podcast ( runningintohealth) say you may start your next 60 second run. So I kept running and I ran for 3.5 min by accident. But I was good. I enjoyed it I probably could have kept going. I am sticking to this plan though so I don't injure myself or get shin splints.

I am loving being honest with myself. And for some reason Running feels so honest.

I chose to start running because when I would start a new exercise plan or diet in the back of my mind or in my convo with people I would joke about not being a runner or never running I can't run. not even if someone is chasing me. And I needed to stop the negative self talk. The boundaries and blocks I put in my head are put in you not just mentally but also physically.

I can do anything I put my mind to. I can be a mom. I can live on for the babies I have lost and will see again some day. I can lose this weight. I can overcome the symptoms. I can RUN.

I am Woman, Christ follower, Wife, Mother, Daughter and Friend. I am me. And that is Good enough yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Yoga and Kiwi

Alrighty so today I did Yoga first thing followed by a hot shower. Great way to wake up!! Then I enjoyed a fresh fruit and spinach juice, snacked on a banana later in the day. lunch was a food version of my mean green juice a small salad comprised of spinach, lettuce, cucumber, snow peas, and kiwi!! With a fresh squeezed orange drizzle for the dressing.  And a table spoon of peanut butter until I can get to the store for chicken to grill.  I had a mean green juice for an afternoon snack and then for dinner grilled chicken with roasted carrots and sweet potato wedges. yumm. Key is small portions and juice before meal so you are full faster. Lots of water today 72oz+ !!

If there is anything I have learned so far from juicing it is that I feel WAY better/ healthier when doing it. And Fruit was meant to be mixed with vegetables :) They were born for it!!!