Getting ME back

It has been a long road of infertility and loss, 8 years- 2 diagnoses, One 5 year old and 5 angel babies later and I need to pour into me. I was 140 pounds in 2008 and now a whopping 268 lb. I have gained 128 pounds on this roller coaster and I want to give it all back. The anxiety, grief, worry, and weight. The pounds are representative to the burden I have carried and the guilt and shame related to having your body not work for you and not carry your babies safely. 

Everything that has happened along life's journey led me to nursing. I am 5 months away from my BSN and I want to represent what I stand for as a nurse, HEALTH. So here I stand as I have many times before ready to make a change. It is a difficult struggle with food and emotions for me but I believe I am really ready now. 

I have started by trying to drink a gallon of water daily, get in 10,000 steps daily, and at least 5/7 days an additional workout. This next thirty days that workout is CIZE also weight lifting at Orange Circuit. 

I am drinking shakeology daily. I have started back on Junel (birth control) to regulate my PCOS hormones. I am taking a daily prenatal and drinking apple cider vinegar and raw honey in warm water each morning to detox. Obviously the biggest part and the hardest part is the clean eating. I will be trying to stick to a 80% clean diet. 

I am going to step out of my comfort zone by being transparent with my weight and by adding in progress photos monthly. Here we go!

This was taken Day 1. I am currently on day 3 and have almost hit the 10,000 step goal and got my CIZE workout in on day 1 and day 2! I am working at my goals today currently. I cannot wait to see results! I will do this for me!

The Dream

I just lost my fourth pregnancy 37 days ago. It was a surprise after a 200 day streak without a period. It ended within a few days of finding out. Since then I have been eating strict paleo for 3 weeks now. I have been taking a cross fit class on Saturdays and working out in between. I have lost twelve pounds and on day 37 of my cycle today I started my period. So I would say things are looking up.

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in August to check my levels and address the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.

I had a dream three nights ago that I was in labor and long story short I was standing as the baby was crowning. Jason chickened out when the midwife mentioned catching the baby so I reached down and as the baby came out I grabbed under his armpits and pulled this perfect vernix covered chubby full term boy from my body and cradled him. I looked into his big round eyes and said "oh Miles, I love you".

It felt more like a promise than a dream... Like I was meeting my baby for the first time. I don't know if it was about a future baby or the baby I lost. But I am excited to find out.

Bulletpoints

There is too much to update properly so I think I will catch everyone up with bullet points then I can get back to blogging normally.
~I just finished my first year back in college with a 3.85 GPA and have been awarded two scholarships.
~I will be applying to their nursing program in January.
~I am considering Frontier for my masters in Midwifery.
~I am now the proud mother of a two and a half year old funny man.
~I am just completing my fourth miscarriage, second since having my son.
~I suffer from RPL and PCOS that I know of but will be pursuing further testing soon.
~I am in the process of completing my Stillbirthday Doula certification. Check out Stillbirthday.com if you are interested in walking alongside families in birth with any outcome.
~I am about to start my second year of school and try Paleo lifestyle and Cross-fit.

There it is in a nutshell. I will be sharing the stories of all that my crazy life holds as it unfolds. Stay Tuned...

One Year Anniversary

Tomorrow August 5th ...The one year anniversary of my third miscarriage.  I know in my heart this baby was a girl.  I have not named her but I will ask her her name when I meet her in heaven.

I have not thought a lot about her every day. I see butterflies or dandelions and my babies cross my mind I get a sad feeling and remember my hopes for them here on earth.

When I think about this baby I feel sad that she would have been days apart from my best friend delivering my God Daughter Amelia. They would have been babies together...Crib mates...Best Friends just like her and I. I can see them both running around my yard if I close my eyes. It is rather fitting that I get to spend the day with Amelia tomorrow. It will be cathartic to hold her when my arms are aching for the baby I lost.

I am releasing balloons with a message on it for her tomorrow night. Sending up my love into heaven. Hoping my words find their way to my baby's heart.

thinking

I have been thinking a lot about Kayden the past week, and here are some things I just realized. We already knew we got pregnant just before our 2 year wedding anni. Which we thought at the time was sweet. Then I was thinking how my edd would have been mid may, and I thought holy canoli we have our 10 year anniversary May 12. WIERD... what is that supposed to mean? How am I supposed to feel about not just losing Kayden but having Kayden's dates match up with our important dates....Terrible...unfair...angry...sad.

Well then if the glass was half full..I could look at it like I got pregnant right before our anni last year and maybe I will have the same luck with the upcoming IVF cycle and get pregnant right before our 10 year anni this time... If so I hope it actually results in a real live baby.

A mother's Longing

I long for that feeling again.
The glow of knowing what is inside, what lies ahead.
The hope for a new life.
A positive sign, a beating heart, a perfect mixture of you and him.


Reality hits, All that is gone.
Lost for now to a better world.
To wait with him until the day you meet.
That thought brings no solice yet.


There is an emptiness you cannot describe.
A hollow feeling that rips at you heart.
Tears fall without sound.


Can anyone hear,
your silent cries for a child you never saw?
Can anyone understand,
how unfair it is to never know the person you created?
Can anyone ever truly know
How I long for that feeling again?


~Kate Lydon