Reflection and pictures

I am sort of working backwards with the pictures here but they are all of my little man.

This is my favorite picture of our best gift under our tree. It made my whole year to have him home for Christmas. This was the first year my heart didn't ache to have a child with me on Christmas. It was bittersweet because I wish I had all my children with me... This brings me to the thing I have been thinking about lately. His twin. I grieved my first loss fully, but when we lost Jack's twin I put aside the grief because I was so afraid he wouldn't make it through if I fell apart. So I really haven't grieved that loss, nor do I feel I have fully aknowleged that life. I named our first baby loss and I haven't named Jack's twin. I feel like if I give the twin a name then I can fully grieve the loss and move forward.

I had a few photo shoots once we were home as you can tell. He is the best gift I have ever recieved and I wanted to capture that forever.

He makes little goat noises all day it is so cute.

These are his amazing Godparents. We love them so much and we know he will too. I was so blessed and overjoyed to share the most amazing experience of my life with her. She has been my best friend since I was 5 years old... talk about truly knowing someone and being truly close with a person... I feel closer to her than to my own family. It was an opportunity I will never forget to share that with her.

And to see Nate holding my son with her makes me so excited to see them holding their own baby some day.

Our Family

Santa

My Labor shot... my favorite nurse Kaitlyn!!! She was amazing!

My NICU baby.

The second time holding him... first time I could enjoy it fully.

His first photo... He has changed so much already.












I am so in love. So grateful to God. So amazed.

Birth story Finally.

I had had contractions all night regularly ( as I had 4 nights prior as well) but they stayed regular into November 30th day which was unlike the past 4 days. But I had sent my husband to work because I was used to it. ( He was sleeping at the hospital with me and traveling 45 min to work every day)
The doctors finally saw it as a sign of possible infection so they sent me upstairs to L&D. So I was by myself...scared.. 32 weeks 2 days pregnant about to start labor and deliver n 8 week preemie baby boy. I called Jason and he left work to meet me, I also called and called my sis in law who was supposed to take video and pictures and her phone was dead and off. AHHH cue panic lol

I called my best friend since 5 years old and the godmother to my baby and she rushed right over. Jason was there by then but cleaning out my prenatal room and bringing it to the car...and by the time he came up Nicolle was there too. That was my team of support for which I am so grateful. They started my pitocin at about 9am after getting an IV finally after blowing 4 veins and finally getting one. Then they came in and drew blood and then 5 min later they came in to draw blood again... i was like you just did. They said she missed one draw so she literally had nowhere to take from and so she took from in between my knuckles on the hand with a huge hematoma from trying to get an IV. OUCH.

The contractions really started up when the girls came back with lunch and I was breathing through them eating between contractions... Nicolle tried to take my woopie pie out of my hands at one point during a rough contraction and I guess I barked Dont touch it! LOL

(pardon the fact that I don't really remember times...I was living in 60 second increments)

I made it through until it was very dark out contractions had been 2 min apart for a long long time and I was stalled at 6 for 6 hours... I finally broke down and took nubane....it is a narcotic for sure...I remember feeling like this is what it is like to be high.... my head feels detached and I was explaining my pain with metaphors about different chairs in rooms of my house... I would say ( according to him) that that was like sitting in our kitchen chairs or I'm in the living room... WEIRD!!! I remember being very focused internally the whole time until i got into a wrong position and then I needed the nubane because It hurt so bad and all of a sudden i couldn't focus inside anymore. then nubane made me feel so much better I almost wish I hadn't gotten it because when it wore off it was incredible pain. and the second and third shots didn't work.

I was still 6 UGGHH finally I said screw it I NEED the epidural. (I got a student) This was the point at which I felt the worse pain of the whole labor because the labor pain added to the poking and prodding in my spine, all I could do was sob.

2 minutes after it was in I was telling him if I wasn't married I would marry him LOL

Now I don't understand why anyone would ever go through it without one.

I fell asleep for an hour and then felt some pressure...she checked me and I was 6 ( go to hell)
half an hour later I felt more... still 6 ( get away I will do this by myself... i don't need you)
15 min later GET HER IN HERE I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY CROTCH THAT IS TRYING TO COME OUT MY BUTT!!! haha 10 and ready to push!!!!

Wait what?! I'm not ready... baby? Early? OMG...

I pushed well... maybe 15 contractions about 45 min... and he was here!!! I have to admit I was scared about how small he would be because he was so coneheaded while I was pushing I could only see a small bit of his head. When he finally came out he cried loud.. BEST feeling I will ever experience... my husband and I had a moment I will never forget and then he went over to the baby with his NICU Team. They held him up for me to see...so beautiful. And everyone was over with him just me my Dr and the attending were in my corner... I was bleeding too much...they gave me a shot in my butt and they started pushing so hard on my stomach and scooping clots out by the handful... scariest part. Then I was still bleeding too much so they gave me pills rectally ( OUCH) to stop it. They said after 2 weeks of water ruptured bed rest my uterus was too tired to contract on its own. The best moment was when the Noenatologist said to Jason I am not supposed to do this but I hear you have waited a long time for this so why don't you carry him over to mom for a second before we go upstairs. He walked to me so proud and like he was so fragile and brought him to my face so I could kiss him. We cried... then he went into the isolette and upstairs with dad...

Jack Andrew was born at 8:26 AM on December 1st. He was 5.1 and 19.5 inches when he was born and got apghars of 8 and 9!!! At 32 weeks! He had no breathing trouble.


I will write more when I can. Need to go sleep while Jack sleeps. I'm exhausted and so in love.

Quick update: 10 days old

Jack is 4lb 14oz today. He feeds every 3 hours... I am trying to teach him to breast feed he has got the technique just not the stamina yet. He is perfect in every way... we just want him home.

I am living in 24/6 and going home one night a week. I am healing well.

Jack has grown out of a few preemie outfits already :)

I sit here and dream of being home for christmas eve and christmas day with my husband dogs and precious son cuddled on the couch in pjs with yummy food and our little family. <3

Tomorrow he will be 11 days old ( 34 weeks)

Quick update: 6 days old

Jack was born at 8:26am on December 1st at 32 weeks 2 days after a very long intense labor starting 5am on November 30th. Vaginally :)

He weighed 5lb 1oz... now on day 6 he weighs 4lb 11oz.

I am in my glory. I never imagined how absolutely phenomenal this would feel.

He is such a strong little boy. He would have turned 33 weeks yesterday... we already moved out of the NICU into the CCN yesterday on his 5th day of life. Miraculously he has needed no breathing assistance at all. He is breastfeeding before every tube feeding now and he is actually getting some. He is the most precious thing in my life. I am completely over in love with him.

I get to room in with him in the CCN so I am here all the time now for every feeding and diaper change ... they let me really take over most of the care here which is so great.

I will hopefully write his birth story soon. Busy busy mommy <3