Sunday, October 24, 2010

New addition(s)

So we have a new addition to the family, 9 actually. They are black and furry and have white spots and french manicures and little wrinkly faces and wagetty tails and I love them to pieces.

Lola had her PUPPIES!!! I am excited, and to be honest a little jealous she got to use my nursery before me lol.

On another note. I have been a bad blogging friend and havent yet mentioned the Fall Swap I entered and my partner sent me a wonderful gift that warmed my heart. Check her out at her blog here, THANK YOU MELANIE and i am so sorry it took me so long!!! The pics below show what I recieved. So generous of her.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

To break or not to break that is the question

I feel as though all us IFers come to this point either after continual disapointment or after a loss. I am sitting here in a valley when i look back i see all the massive mountains DH and I have climbed and how far the fall was, I feel how much pain that fall caused, but remember so vividly the amazing flipping feeling all the way down. And when I look ahead all i see for miles is more mountains... huge mountains. What I am trying to decide is whether I feel like they are too large to try to climb or if the fall i risk is too long a fall. Or is it a challenge I want to take on and accomplish?? There is such conflict within me now. Am I pushing the envelope on something I shouldnt...forcing the subject so to speak?? Did i have an "abnormal" non viable pregnancy because i am trying to make something happen that isnt ready to happen or isnt meant to happen?
And so the question is ..To break or not to break?
We are definately breaking til January...But i wonder if i work really hard against the PCOS and lose weight if my body might get regulated and pregnant on our own....Or waiting that year or two would be a bad idea because meds might get me pregnant again before that? Uggghhhh and do i want to live everyday with the meds drama til then??? Im so confused.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


So after i sent my letter and my SIL came back with..."Im upset that you think you have the right to upset me with a "poor Kate" letter. I will never ask you to babysit ever again Kate."

I told her exactly how i felt and held nothing back as I had before with the polite, politically correct letter. And said when can we get together to talk about this. it has been 4 days and I have gotten no response, no phone call, no email, and no text.

I am really starting to realize how completely selfish she is. I wrote her a long time coming letter politely letting her know how sad i feel i only hear from her when she needs a sitter and how insensative i feel like that is seeing my situation. And instead of her relaizing this and apologizing like any sensative woman would do hearing that from a SIL she tells me that and then says shes got too much going on and SHE's too HURT to talk about it....PAAAAHHHLLLLEEEAAASSSEEEEE!!! UGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
SOOOO frustrating!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


So i decide to finally let my SIL know how i am feeling, and because i have been so busy and emotional and wanted to be able to think through exactly what to say and read it and reread it, and read it to someone else to make sure it wouldnt come out wrong i wrote her a message on facebook. But she wrote back, "chosing not to respond because i am that pissed off"!!
YOURE pissed off??? she obviously missed the whole message if she didnt see how upset and hurt i felt because she wouldnt be telling me shes pissed off if she got it. AWESOME so now my SIL hates me GREAT add it to my list!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

In law Drama

So I am starting to try and validate my feelings as an infertile instead of swallowing them and saying thats infertility talking. I know if my circumstances were different and my DH and I had been able to have children on our own 2 years ago when we started trying I may not be as hurt or sensative. But Im not and it didnt and this is who i am now. Take it or leave it. And I need to start taking care of me and relizing it is okay to have these feelings.
Since my SIL got pregnant last year she hasnt called or texted to say hi or see how my life is. She only calls when she needs to use my pool or for babysitting. And i just think it is so thoughtless when you dont try and have some sort of relationship with me on a regular basis to call for a babysitter. Dont get me wrong i love my nephews and i love to spend time with them, but it is hard to have a baby over and get up in the night with him when all ill be thinking about is i should be doing this with mine but i cant. And she had a miscairrage so i dont understand why she doesnt get it.
But now she has 2 beautiful children and forgot how that felt i guess. So she didnt even call me after the d&c to see how i was but she texts me last night to ask me to babysit for her on her birthday party overnight, and says "i do want you there just thought you could take him home with you and keep him over night" Obviously you could care less if im there. I am just a babysitter to you because thats the only reason you get in touch with me. It is hard to be around babies. But i love my family and friends, It is a lot harder when thats all your wanted for. SO INSENSATIVE!!!

Nobody will call me mommy

I feel stuck, and like im just keeping myself busy all day then I go to bed...I just lay there and think about how i am empty. There is no baby anymore.
So one of those keeping busy things is a part time job, focusing on getting the things for the house we need, AKA a wood stove and vent system to keep us warm this winter. So I am upstairs sewing, making us money and my DH is downstairs cleaning up the basement getting ready for the stove project. And today he brought up the bassinet i was going to make a cover for from my wedding gown. And it reminded me I dont have to rush to do that project anymore. And so I put it in the empty nursery. I havent been in there but maybe once since the miscairrage and i walked in to see my rocking chair my mom rocked me in with the baby blanket hanging over it that mataunt ray made for us and the basket of baby books, with the last thing i had bought for baby on top. "I love you mommy" and I felt like crying my eyes out. Nobody will call me mommy.
I wanted to scream, and kick, and punch, and throw up.
I was pregnant and now I am not. I want that back. That hope, that promise of the whisper before bed, I love you mommy...
I am a shell, an empty shell.