Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Nobody will call me mommy

I feel stuck, and like im just keeping myself busy all day then I go to bed...I just lay there and think about how i am empty. There is no baby anymore.
So one of those keeping busy things is a part time job, focusing on getting the things for the house we need, AKA a wood stove and vent system to keep us warm this winter. So I am upstairs sewing, making us money and my DH is downstairs cleaning up the basement getting ready for the stove project. And today he brought up the bassinet i was going to make a cover for from my wedding gown. And it reminded me I dont have to rush to do that project anymore. And so I put it in the empty nursery. I havent been in there but maybe once since the miscairrage and i walked in to see my rocking chair my mom rocked me in with the baby blanket hanging over it that mataunt ray made for us and the basket of baby books, with the last thing i had bought for baby on top. "I love you mommy" and I felt like crying my eyes out. Nobody will call me mommy.
I wanted to scream, and kick, and punch, and throw up.
I was pregnant and now I am not. I want that back. That hope, that promise of the whisper before bed, I love you mommy...
I am a shell, an empty shell.

1 comment:

  1. Hi, I am a friend of Justine's and started following your blog.

    I am praying for you. I don't want to send generic words of encouragement, but know that someone "out there in the blogging world" is thinking of you.