Okay, I have so much whirling around in my head today after last night's support group meeting. I have to try and lay it out in a tangible way that makes sense. So I am sorry in advance if it comes off as rambling.
I was so super nervous when I got to the hospital there was a woman there that I saw was sitting in front of the confrence room I was going in to. I introduced myself and She calmed me down a little bit letting me know all the women are wonderful and have different stories.
When Tammy showed up A weight lifted, she was the nurse that told me my ultrasound was "abnormal" and to expect a misscairrage. She was a floater in that department that day and her regular job is as my stepfathers nurse in his dr office. My mom was with me that day and her and my step father went to an appointment a week ago and she recognized my mom and asked how i was and that she had been thinking about me. Didnt know what had happened..had i lost the baby? And when he said yes she gave him this support group info. She is a grief counsilor. How amazing is God, who sends me angels every step of the way. This is not some amazing coincidence but an act of God who would have made that cnnection possible.
I had so many questions going into this group session last night about my grieving process and am i right to feel certain things and what not and i came out feeling validated and attained some knowlege about my husbands grieving and how different that was from us women's grief that made me feel soooooo much better.
There was Tammy who runs it and has had 3 miscairreges no sucsessful pregnancies, one a stillborn at 20 weeks, then 2 other women, one who gave stillbirth at 32 weeks after her heart just stopped. and one who like me struggles with infertility and has had 4 miscairrages and is currently 22 weeks pregnant. It was a relief that even though our stories are so different that I could completely relate 100% to what they went through, and the feelings they had.
During my sharing time I spoke about how my DH doesnt want to "change the plan" we came up with a week after the miscairrage when it was still such a debilitating loss and pain that I couldnt een fathom the idea of trying again yet. Even though now that some time has passed (i would be 15 weeks) I am staarting to feel like I want to start trying again. He thinks that is me changing the plan and changing my mind too often. She explained to me thats his coping mechonism to come up with a plan and stick to it. Thats how he is grieving. The major thing though that hit me after last nights session was i explained how the medium i saw while i was implanting (had no idea i was) had said his uncle came through and asked are u sure u arent pregnant now? and i was, she said even though you are...we didnt hear that until we listned to the tape a second time. And when i asked if she saw me with children of my own she said a little boy for sure and the other one hasnt decided yet....and that has really made me wonder if the baby i lost was a boy...was it "Jack" or "Amelia" . The hardest thing for me with my loss has been that it was said to me that it was an "abnormal" pregnancy and because i have shared that with people the reaction is well at least "it wasnt a baby" or "its a good thing you had a d&c then because you wouldnt want something ABNORMAL to keep developing" and I said that in group last night and how hurtful those things can be. and she explained that people dont know what to say and even though they dont mean to hurt us they do sometimes by "taking our baby away" with those types of responses. I really feel like most of the people (NOT ALL) in my life (NOT ON PURPOSE) took my baby away with there reactions and words. Ever since the positive BPT I had been planning that little life for that baby....my baby....ballet or baseball, i bought clothes, shoes, books, my mom, grammy would have been her name, bought a crib set for him or her. my DH and i had picked god parents and were going to tell them soon after the "apointment" that never came. I had a baby. and I lost it. and even DH i feel has forgotten about it. I am grieving the loss of that child. I almost wish sometimes that i had been far enough along to hold a tiny little baby/fetus so that DH could physically have seen a baby, then he would see what im going through, feel the loss we have. But because it wasnt something i ever delivered so he could tangibly seen held, he doesnt see it as a baby with a name and a gender. Then Tammy asked me when they got pathology back after my D&C did thy conclude there was a fetus present? and if so the sex? and I was dumbfounded. I didnt even know that was possible. Those are questions that have been toturing me and to think i may have answers...is wonderful. I gave her permission to look in my file and find out and let me know. So I came home and had that conversation with DH...We may be able to know if it was jack or amelia we lost. And that upset him so much. HE doesnt want to know the sex or ruin the names we chose by putting them on a baby who died before it made it to our arms...He didnt before last night know that I was grieving the loss of an actual child of ours. Our first child. The child that made me a mom. I tried to explain to him what i said about how i started planning a life since the positive test for our baby and so just because we lost at 7wks before we heard a heartbeat or saw a little body on an ultrasound that that baby was our first baby and I was grieving the loss of our first child, that there is a room in our house with clothes for that baby, that it will never get to wear or sleep in. There is an empty rocking chair with a handknitted blanket for that baby that I wont ever get to use while I rock it. That is all very real to me and I would like to be able for myself to say I miss you Jack in my prayers before bed, to be able to ask Papa and meme to hug Amelia for me. And he said he doesnt want to know the gender or give it one of those names because we had talked about them so much and given them little personalities and that would be to hard to think of that little personality with that name not ever being here on earth with us, and then I said AHA....yes I know how hard it would be to feel that way, that is how I feel already.
Heavy I know.....