These are a few of my favorite things

Schedule

My spring schedule just came out. I feel like my last semester in nursing school, or at least the first 7 weeks will be manageable with working at least 24-36 hours a week. I am not sure how I will maintain that with the last 7 weeks of practicum but I will figure it out, I have the last four years. 

My last semester of my BSN starts in two weeks. The first seven weeks I will be doing high acuity nursing 2 lectures a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) and clinical Monday nights on a med surg unit. simulation lab on Thursdays and working 10 hour overnights on Sundays and Thursdays. The last seven weeks I will be taking a leadership lecture doing intensive research for a senior capstone project and following an individual nurse for practicum clinical 24-36 hours week. That last half I am not sure how I will fit in all that I need to do with my son and working. I have faith that God will provide. I am in the home stretch now. I graduate with my BSN in 17 weeks. It is surreal. 

On a self-care front I have been taking some time on my break to do face masks and nails, reading a snarky book about motherhood called "operating Instructions", and considering starting a bullet journal to help me manage my goals for the year. 

On the fitness front, I SUCK. I haven't made workouts the priority they need to be. I am working on it every day. I am making healthy choices with my food 50% of the time. It needs to be 85%. I need to remove processed food from my life. Easier said than done. 
I have been good about getting in about 10,000 steps a day. I haven't been good at wearing my garmin all the time. 

Getting ME back

It has been a long road of infertility and loss, 8 years- 2 diagnoses, One 5 year old and 5 angel babies later and I need to pour into me. I was 140 pounds in 2008 and now a whopping 268 lb. I have gained 128 pounds on this roller coaster and I want to give it all back. The anxiety, grief, worry, and weight. The pounds are representative to the burden I have carried and the guilt and shame related to having your body not work for you and not carry your babies safely. 

Everything that has happened along life's journey led me to nursing. I am 5 months away from my BSN and I want to represent what I stand for as a nurse, HEALTH. So here I stand as I have many times before ready to make a change. It is a difficult struggle with food and emotions for me but I believe I am really ready now. 

I have started by trying to drink a gallon of water daily, get in 10,000 steps daily, and at least 5/7 days an additional workout. This next thirty days that workout is CIZE also weight lifting at Orange Circuit. 

I am drinking shakeology daily. I have started back on Junel (birth control) to regulate my PCOS hormones. I am taking a daily prenatal and drinking apple cider vinegar and raw honey in warm water each morning to detox. Obviously the biggest part and the hardest part is the clean eating. I will be trying to stick to a 80% clean diet. 

I am going to step out of my comfort zone by being transparent with my weight and by adding in progress photos monthly. Here we go!

This was taken Day 1. I am currently on day 3 and have almost hit the 10,000 step goal and got my CIZE workout in on day 1 and day 2! I am working at my goals today currently. I cannot wait to see results! I will do this for me!

Life and Death

Today I was blessed to be a Doula and friend to a beautiful woman. Her family has been through so much. She had a little boy. He is absolutely perfect in every way. I was overjoyed for them.

I live in a place between life and death. I work in the business of life and death. I understand the two exist concurrently and not to take away from each other. Today I feel both joy for those who lived and utter debilitation for he who did not.

Tonight as I sit here and come down from the day I am washed over by a wave of sadness. I ache for Miles tonight. I am desperate to hold him in my arms again. This time I want him to be breathing for his heart to beat.

In school today (Nursing school, BSN, I am a senior) we held a death cafe. We discussed death and Miles was spoken about. He entered the room in a way he hadn't in a while.

I want to scream, GIVE ME BACK MY BABY. I know I will see him again one day. I also know nothing separates me from him for eternity then.