Weight loss Update

UPDATE:I started cross fit 3 weeks ago which was a big step out of my comfort zone.  I also started counting macros instead of solely focusing on calorie intake. I have lost 9 lb and 31 inches
since starting cross fit and macros which brings me to a total of  39 lb and a whole lot of inches haha.

Schedule

My spring schedule just came out. I feel like my last semester in nursing school, or at least the first 7 weeks will be manageable with working at least 24-36 hours a week. I am not sure how I will maintain that with the last 7 weeks of practicum but I will figure it out, I have the last four years. 

My last semester of my BSN starts in two weeks. The first seven weeks I will be doing high acuity nursing 2 lectures a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) and clinical Monday nights on a med surg unit. simulation lab on Thursdays and working 10 hour overnights on Sundays and Thursdays. The last seven weeks I will be taking a leadership lecture doing intensive research for a senior capstone project and following an individual nurse for practicum clinical 24-36 hours week. That last half I am not sure how I will fit in all that I need to do with my son and working. I have faith that God will provide. I am in the home stretch now. I graduate with my BSN in 17 weeks. It is surreal. 

On a self-care front I have been taking some time on my break to do face masks and nails, reading a snarky book about motherhood called "operating Instructions", and considering starting a bullet journal to help me manage my goals for the year. 

On the fitness front, I SUCK. I haven't made workouts the priority they need to be. I am working on it every day. I am making healthy choices with my food 50% of the time. It needs to be 85%. I need to remove processed food from my life. Easier said than done. 
I have been good about getting in about 10,000 steps a day. I haven't been good at wearing my garmin all the time. 

Life and Death

Today I was blessed to be a Doula and friend to a beautiful woman. Her family has been through so much. She had a little boy. He is absolutely perfect in every way. I was overjoyed for them.

I live in a place between life and death. I work in the business of life and death. I understand the two exist concurrently and not to take away from each other. Today I feel both joy for those who lived and utter debilitation for he who did not.

Tonight as I sit here and come down from the day I am washed over by a wave of sadness. I ache for Miles tonight. I am desperate to hold him in my arms again. This time I want him to be breathing for his heart to beat.

In school today (Nursing school, BSN, I am a senior) we held a death cafe. We discussed death and Miles was spoken about. He entered the room in a way he hadn't in a while.

I want to scream, GIVE ME BACK MY BABY. I know I will see him again one day. I also know nothing separates me from him for eternity then.

Retrieval day under our belt...Update!

Before I update on how our retrieval went I just have to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support, beautiful words of encouragement, and HUGS!!! I don't think I could have the peace I have about all of this if it weren't for the amazing support system I have on blogger and from my close friends. So thank you so much.

UPDATE...

We had our retrieval this morning around 9am. I was so so so anxious on the 45 minute drive there and the half hour wait in the lobby ( part of that time was for DH to go give his half of the ingredients). Then they brought me back and I had my favorite nurse Robin. She is a pro at the IV and has a good sense of humor. We laughed and joked about the 80's style gown and the hairnets. I kept teasing DH that I was fullfilling some type of Lunch lady fantasy he must have LOL. I should have taken a picture!!! Im sure I was the hottest one there that day! NOT!!

Then I met "Uncle Mike" the anesthesiologist. Who gave me my "coctails" on my "trip to Hawaii" I asked for sex on the beach...atleast I can dream of sex being a part of the babymaking these days right?? They all laughed at me.

The procedure went well and all in all I was only out for 15 minutes. It was just sedation anesthesia so I had no tube down my throat, so it was a nice slow sleep and wake up.

When I woke up they told me they got 15 EGGS!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!! I was shocked. But it also makes sense now why I was in such discomfort the last two days and today after the procedure I have been soso sore. Ive taken 4 naps and am just laying low. Back to work for this girl tomorow. Cant wait to update with the fertility report tomorow!!!!

Bad day

I had a terrible day today. I started it off angry and hurt. Then at work it felt like nothing was going right or easy. And as I was walking out to the parking lot I realized I parked in a closer spot and had to turn around and walk all the way back. Crying at this point. So I call my husband and vent and realize the meds are finally getting to me. I had such an anxiety, anxiousness feeling about me today. I didn't think that Lupron alone could make me a crazy person. But a hormone is a hormone and with PCOS I have a lack of those all my life so pumping them into me makes me crazier than anything. I feel like jumping out of my skin. Then I got out of work just to come home and work my second job (part time sewing for a company) when it was so so so beautiful out. I just called it quits. I won't do it. My wonderful husband is making me red hot dogs on the grill and Velveeta. (I was having a craving) And I am going to relax now. Try to lower my blood pressure a bit. Tonight is my first night without BC so come on Auntie FLOW!!! I want to get this freak show on the road! I can't imagine what stims will do to me at this point...Oh yes that's right the same thing they have for almost three years now. YUCK. I can't believe its been almost three years of this shit with still no baby in our arms. Sometimes I can't make sense of God's Plan...Its these times where I need to take a deep breath and remember he does have a plan...he does have a plan...

OUCH!!!

Okay, maybe I was over thinking it tonight or maybe my belly was just sore but tonights Lupron injection HURT and bled. I didnt do it quick so I had to like push it through the skin Owwwwiiieee. Needless to say I think I need a break so Jason will be giving me my shot tommorow night. I am however excited that Sunday night will be my last bc pill...I am praying my period does a magic trick and comes on its own. Your prayers are welcome too!!! And if you are so inclined you could through in a "I hope this cycle gets this crazy infertile pregnant" prayer too!!! Hahahha

Blog Friends

I just have to say, I just read the comments left on my last post and remembered why I am here on the blogosphere. There is absolutely no support like the support of the amazing women here who have been through the trenches with me. I love you ladies even though we have never met. I am honored to be part of your journeys and have you part of mine. XOXO Thank you for being here and always saying the right things :)

Cycle started

Okay so I officially started my first ever IVF cycle yesterday night!! Woohooo! Lupron...I was nervous like oh Shit injections again!?!? But that Lupron needle is SOOOO tiny I barely felt it go in. And the Lupron didnt burn at all. That was exciting! I did learn a trick at my injection lesson to help with the burn though...After wiping with alcahol wipe wait a minute or two until your skin isnt shiny anymore then stick. Most of the reason is because the alcahol goes in too if you dont wait for it to dry. So thats the positive!! A little negative...having some issues with feeling like I always have been that person that goes above and beyond for everyone, always doing whatever to make it easier for other people, just because that is who I am its just my personality. And after we lost Kayden we decided to start focusing on us and reserving all that extra energy that went to everyone else for eachother. It has made our relationship much stronger with eachother, but we don't see anyone anymore. so I am left feeling like we aren't that important to the people who are so important to us. I know everyone has their own lives and schedules but it does make me sad that even though we went out of our way to go see poeple when it was easier for them now that we have been centered at home no one is going out of their way to see us. (I say no one but i do have a few people i am very close with in my life that I do see regularly).... Am I being a hormonal mess, bitter infertile, or what?!?! Also the thought does occur, and I know one of my bloggy buddies spoke on this earlier in the month, I am not part of the "I am a mom" crowd right now and am feeling a little ignored by those of my family and friends who are...WHEN I do become part of their club am I automatically going to hear from and see these people all the time because I turned MOMMY?? And will that be more hurtful then just not be included? Well vent over. Back to the positive fresh new start that this IVF cycle will hopefully bring. Thinking about my cycle buddy Baby Hopes every step of the way! And all of the other lovely ladies on their way to BFPs!!!

God is good

I feel very positive about our first IVF cycle. God has been sending me signs, messages, and directly speaking to my heart and situation at church. I am glad I have faith to hold onto in these uncertain times. Then the little voice inside that has been hurt so many times before is nervous.

Thank you God

God has sent me so many messages lately. The Kate and Carly tag... through women he has put in my path... through the peace and hope I have found in the upcoming IVF cycle... in the not so coincidental timing of starting treatments again ( when I got pregnant it was a month before our 2 year anniversary and the IVF cycle is a month before our 10 year anni and my EDD) Then In a conversation with one of those women placed into my life by God the other night. I had a realization that Carly ( my husbands childhood friend who passed away when he was 13) who has come to me in medium sessions and who I feel around us, was meant to be up there as our guardian angel. Then I looked at my friend and said to her if I can make any sort of "sense" out of a young woman's passing that had been here a while and had a life and personality and history then how can I NOT see that there must be a reason ( not yet revealed to me) for Kayden to be with God instead of earth with me and DH. And after I told her that, I felt the realization heavy on me. I wanted to go home and sit with that a while, pray about it. And when I turned on the radio on the ride home a new song I have LOVED started playing... And It was the most beautiful and reassuring of the messages and signs God has sent me, It was a flashing light I couldn't ignore. Here are the lyrics... It’s like a storm That cuts a path It’s breaks your will It feels like that You think your lost But your not lost on your own Your not alone I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do If you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go It hurts my heart To see you cry I know it’s dark This part of life Oh it finds us all And we’re too small To stop the rain Oh but when it rains I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let you fall Don’t be afraid to fall I’m right here to catch you I wont let you down It wont get you down Your gonna make it Yea I know you can make it Cause I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope And I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go Oh I’m gonna hold you And I wont let go Wont let you go No I wont Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics I cried like a baby. It was so completely comforting. God is good. I am confident in this IVF cycle...and not in the way that I am completely positive it will work (although I cant lie I feel good about it) but more in the way that I am done trying to see two steps ahead in God's plan and read into things too much but instead just follow his influence and signs in my life. Thank you God.

thinking

I have been thinking a lot about Kayden the past week, and here are some things I just realized. We already knew we got pregnant just before our 2 year wedding anni. Which we thought at the time was sweet. Then I was thinking how my edd would have been mid may, and I thought holy canoli we have our 10 year anniversary May 12. WIERD... what is that supposed to mean? How am I supposed to feel about not just losing Kayden but having Kayden's dates match up with our important dates....Terrible...unfair...angry...sad.

Well then if the glass was half full..I could look at it like I got pregnant right before our anni last year and maybe I will have the same luck with the upcoming IVF cycle and get pregnant right before our 10 year anni this time... If so I hope it actually results in a real live baby.

FB got me again...

Pregnancy anouncements from random people on facebook never get any easier...( I am not speaking about posts from good friends :) )


Pretty sure I am going to have a long hot shower SOB SESSION tonight!

God,
If you can hear me out here in cyber space...please send me my babie(s) this cycle. I will love them so much, and take care of them the best I can. I PROMISE!

~kate

Nervous

I had a good day. I spent some good time shopping (with other people's money) for work decorations. Good conversation was had, and IVF was discussed....

I realized on the drive home HOPE has embedded itself into my heart and soul, it came by and cuddled in. Before you know it all my conversations about the upcoming cycle leaves my inside thoughts saying we are going to have a baby.

Then I realize along with allowing myself to hope and dream of a pink baby bundle comes the possibility of being let down again. (yep were back there again). Or getting the BFP again and heaven forbid (KNOCK on wood) it doesn't last again.

Ugghh I want to let myself just hope and be excited and let the proverbial chips fall. BUT I so desperately don't want to be hurt.

Dear God,
Please allow our babies to come into our lives now, let this be the time.


OH YAH and the weirdest thing happened...that I am choosing to take as a good sign about the upcoming IVF cycle. I was walking through the Christmas tree shops and i got in line to checkout and right there in line was a reusable bag i was checking the price and noticed the tag says "Kate & Carly"... Carly is my DH's childhood friend (and girlfriend) who passed away in a car accident when he moved to Maine back in 2000. She came to me in a reading by a medium and said she is with Jason all day, watching over him and keeping him company. This was right before the BFP ( they said I was pregnant during the reading) and we talked about naming a baby girl after her by her middle name being Carly. When I say my prayers at night I also ask Carly to keep Kayden company up there. So I think this is a good sign...

Ironic

That i am going on 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments and about to start my first IVF cycle and the Doctor of my dreams has me taking two medicines.... Birth control and Prenatal Vitamins...IRONIC??? Hahahaa Seems counter productive.

Post BC Commercial rant

CAN I JUST SAY....

I hate the mirena commercials with a firey flaming hellish passion.

REALLY??!?!?! Who had the bright idea to make a birth control commercial that depicts pregnancy as if you can catch it as easily as the common cold. They make it seem/ look like people STRUGGLE NOT to get pregnant.

NEWS FLASH it IS NOT that easy to do for A LOT of women.

We could tell them a story or two that would get them to change their offensive marketing plan in a flash.

IVF

Our visit to Boston IVF went well. We signed all our consents and I got my day 3 bw done for my insurance to aprove. The insurance aproval usually takes a few weeks. In the meantime they have me on another pack of pills and when that period comes (in less than 3 weeks now) I will have to take 14 more days of pills and within that fourteen days I will be starting my lupron injections. Then 10 days of meds and hopefully a retrieval and transfer soon after that.

I am so glad to have a plan now. It feels like I am actually working towards something rather than just sitting in limbo. I am excited at the prospect of being pregnant again, but more than that I am excited to see the quality of my eggs and our embryos, hopefully this will give us more insight as to what our problem is.

but of course on the consents that we signed it says all the dos and donts as of now. Adn one of those is no meds but tylenol not prescribed for IVF. And so what happens I get bronchitis. SWEET. NOT. So I am pretty freaking miserable right now. Waiting for a doctors apointment and I am going to call BIVF to see if antibiotics are ok.

Consents

My husband has had a few days off. It has been so nice after 3 weeks in a row of him working 70+ hrs. (which we completely appreciate income wise) It was the first day we really spent quality time with eachother. And he has tommorow off with me as well to go to our Boston IVF appointment to sign consents and get meds ordered. That is such an amazing thing to realize.

We are actually about to start an IVF cycle. A cycle that has good odds (although we know how those workout for us) I am trying to be really positive. Imagine every good step all the way through implantation. ALL i can think about is...could this be our sticky cycle?

Extreme couponing 2/28- 3/4

At Kmart I spent $27.80 and saved $40.00
At CVS I spent $12.25 and saved $12.35.
At Rite aid I spent $12.95 and saved $27.00.

Total Spent $53.00
Total saved $79.35!!!

The LOOT!!!
6 bottles of soda
1 bottle of Purex laundry detergent
4 bottles of Propel
Cascade rinse agent
2 rolls bounty
2 bottles of dish detergent
1 febreeze air effects
1 gilette body wash
1 old spice body wash
2 old spice deoderants
2 gilette deoderants
3 secret deoderants
1 bottle of scope (with travel toothpaste)
1 soft soaf refillable hand soap
10 pk duracell battery
1 kids toothpaste and toothbrush
rasinettes
febreeze set n refresh
4 nivea chapsticks
resees
cadbury eggs
halls cough drops
welchs grape juice
and The best surprise deal of the day a Spinbrush for .77!!!!!!!

A mother's Longing

I long for that feeling again.
The glow of knowing what is inside, what lies ahead.
The hope for a new life.
A positive sign, a beating heart, a perfect mixture of you and him.


Reality hits, All that is gone.
Lost for now to a better world.
To wait with him until the day you meet.
That thought brings no solice yet.


There is an emptiness you cannot describe.
A hollow feeling that rips at you heart.
Tears fall without sound.


Can anyone hear,
your silent cries for a child you never saw?
Can anyone understand,
how unfair it is to never know the person you created?
Can anyone ever truly know
How I long for that feeling again?


~Kate Lydon

Our song

I just heard this song and the lyrics fit where we are. My DH and I have never been stronger. He is the only person I can always count on. We have made our marriage and family (lola and rocky our pups) our true priority this year. We are focusing on us and anything /one else that fits into our life here and there we see and enjoy, but we haven't gone out of our way to make a million plans every week with 12 different people. I make new meals for him and eat at the table, which we hadn't done in a while, say grace, talk about our days and whats on our mind. Really connect once a day. and that has made the world of difference because as most of you know who have gone through IF treatments it is SUPER stressful. And sometimes the fact that you are SUPER hormonal and uncomfortable and stressed on top of the fact that DH doesn't have to touch you or really look at you to get you (or not get you) pregnant really takes a toll on the relationship some days. And helps you to not do those small things on a day to day.

Anywho here are the lyrics.


I Won't Let Go by rascal flats

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do

And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't