Thank you God

God has sent me so many messages lately. The Kate and Carly tag... through women he has put in my path... through the peace and hope I have found in the upcoming IVF cycle... in the not so coincidental timing of starting treatments again ( when I got pregnant it was a month before our 2 year anniversary and the IVF cycle is a month before our 10 year anni and my EDD) Then In a conversation with one of those women placed into my life by God the other night. I had a realization that Carly ( my husbands childhood friend who passed away when he was 13) who has come to me in medium sessions and who I feel around us, was meant to be up there as our guardian angel. Then I looked at my friend and said to her if I can make any sort of "sense" out of a young woman's passing that had been here a while and had a life and personality and history then how can I NOT see that there must be a reason ( not yet revealed to me) for Kayden to be with God instead of earth with me and DH. And after I told her that, I felt the realization heavy on me. I wanted to go home and sit with that a while, pray about it. And when I turned on the radio on the ride home a new song I have LOVED started playing... And It was the most beautiful and reassuring of the messages and signs God has sent me, It was a flashing light I couldn't ignore. Here are the lyrics... It’s like a storm That cuts a path It’s breaks your will It feels like that You think your lost But your not lost on your own Your not alone I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do If you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go It hurts my heart To see you cry I know it’s dark This part of life Oh it finds us all And we’re too small To stop the rain Oh but when it rains I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let you fall Don’t be afraid to fall I’m right here to catch you I wont let you down It wont get you down Your gonna make it Yea I know you can make it Cause I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope And I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go Oh I’m gonna hold you And I wont let go Wont let you go No I wont Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics I cried like a baby. It was so completely comforting. God is good. I am confident in this IVF cycle...and not in the way that I am completely positive it will work (although I cant lie I feel good about it) but more in the way that I am done trying to see two steps ahead in God's plan and read into things too much but instead just follow his influence and signs in my life. Thank you God.

Disturbing...

I am thouroughly disturbed today. I have a good friend who is a fellow infertile that shares with me and I with her our thoughts and struggles, advice and history.

Although she has not been graced with a child of her own YET through treatments she and her husband have been blessed in growing their family through fostering to adopt. She has one BEAUTIFUL son and (by the same birthmother) is waiting on hopefully 2 more gorgeous children.
This woman is no rolemodel, everything I have heard of her has made me want to vomit. She is one of those people you hear about and ask God WHY can she have so many children without trouble (born addicted) just to get them taken away, but wonderful people everywhere cannot have any?? But in the same exact breath by having these children have blessed my friend's life in such a big way.

Today when I stopped in to say hi she told me about her adoptive childs birthmother's most recent transgressions. There were alot of snow days in the past few months so they offered her extra hour on a visitation day and her and her INsignificant other/ baby daddy TURNED IT DOWN...like no nothanks i dont want any extra time besides the limited supervised visit i get once a week even though this winter has been so shitty weve lost total days with them.

And even better this monday was a "holiday" not totally recognized by all businesses, and her visitation people were one of the businesses that were open so they got the kids and brought them to visit their parents, knocked on the door birthfather answered, and said why are you here?? They said we are open so you get to see your kids! Yay! He freaked out and said "youre kidding we have to parent on a holiday?!?!" he was so pissed that he locked himself in his room for the whole first hour of their visit. (he only gets to see them for a few hours one day a week)

This story and her situation makes me completely Ill. I cannot falthom that God would allow someone to birth children who are like this when so many deserving loving couples cannot.

HAVING A WHY US MOMENT.

Stupid facebok

Just got ambushed with another facebook pregnancy anouncement. But this one is the best of all because she says... and I quote... "what are we getting our selves into" end quote!

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!


Dear God,
Why do you give babies to people who are...
A. Undeserving
B. WAY too young
C. DONT WANT THEM
D. Dont spend every single waking living moment praying and hoping and spending every last dime and ounce of energy trying to have one so they may raise them to do your will.


Bitter a bit?! I know. I shouldnt question Gods motives but am I the only one?? Does any one out there want to help me feel like less of a shitty person and admitt sometimes they have thought this too???

ugghh Bed is much needed at theis point i think.