Beta tomorrow!

What started out as these Follicles... And (little army men added) turned into these beautious little embinos...

Has now produced this beauty...My first ever digital test "pregnant" reading!!! I have beta tommorow and am hoping for an off the charts number so as to put my fears to bed for the most part. After a misscaraige this stage in pregnancy is not over the moon...I know how quickly it can be ripped away. And am praying these babies stick. I will update ASAP tommorow.

Baby Hopes is not having as good an outcome. My heart goes out to her and every other BFN this cycle. Love you ladies. Keep your chin up. Ill keep praying for your BFPs!

Retrieval day under our belt...Update!

Before I update on how our retrieval went I just have to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support, beautiful words of encouragement, and HUGS!!! I don't think I could have the peace I have about all of this if it weren't for the amazing support system I have on blogger and from my close friends. So thank you so much.

UPDATE...

We had our retrieval this morning around 9am. I was so so so anxious on the 45 minute drive there and the half hour wait in the lobby ( part of that time was for DH to go give his half of the ingredients). Then they brought me back and I had my favorite nurse Robin. She is a pro at the IV and has a good sense of humor. We laughed and joked about the 80's style gown and the hairnets. I kept teasing DH that I was fullfilling some type of Lunch lady fantasy he must have LOL. I should have taken a picture!!! Im sure I was the hottest one there that day! NOT!!

Then I met "Uncle Mike" the anesthesiologist. Who gave me my "coctails" on my "trip to Hawaii" I asked for sex on the beach...atleast I can dream of sex being a part of the babymaking these days right?? They all laughed at me.

The procedure went well and all in all I was only out for 15 minutes. It was just sedation anesthesia so I had no tube down my throat, so it was a nice slow sleep and wake up.

When I woke up they told me they got 15 EGGS!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!! I was shocked. But it also makes sense now why I was in such discomfort the last two days and today after the procedure I have been soso sore. Ive taken 4 naps and am just laying low. Back to work for this girl tomorow. Cant wait to update with the fertility report tomorow!!!!

Retrieval tommorow!

Retrieval tomorrow morning 8 am. No food or drink after midnight, not that i ever eat after then lol. I am getting nervous now for sure.

I got sun today reading outside with the pups and now my med hot flashes are killer. I had started getting them at church this morning and because of the slight OHHS i was super uncomfortable and standing and sitting wasn't happening i sat the whole time as to not be in too much pain. But I needed to go and pray before tomorrow. I wanted to get a blessing from the priest. I am going to say what happened and then touch on how it made me feel later. I am trying so hard to stay cool and not stress so these embies have a good home to come back to.
The priest said OF COURSE what for? And I just blurted out IVF he asked what I meant I said In Vetro Fertilization. He said he could not bless me for moral reasons... I stood there dumbfounded i am pretty sure my jaw dropped and mouth was actually open. He said he didn't know my circumstance but that multiples made on purpose were not okay, not gods will. (he obviously has no clue what IVF is) and that embryos are discarded are abortions and killing babies is not okay. But he wished me well.

I left bawling my eyes out had to walk by all the parishioners to get to my car up the street.

This is why I don't call myself catholic. I believe in the relationship with God and not the "religion". I know this is GODS plan for us. I hear his voice in my life. I would not have made it this far without his support. I may never go back to my childhood church. But like I said I don't want to stress out so I have made my peace with what I am doing, it is right and good and the only way some of us out there fighting this battle for a family are going to get one. And that is okay. Support needed in a big way right now. Hott.Mess.

Mild Hyperstimulation

So this mornings bloodwork went beautifully. Waiting for numbers on E2 and Progesterone. Ultrasound was super painful though. Lots of BIG BEAUTIFUL follies in there now. 20-30 she didnt do an exact count. All above 17 at this point some pretty big ones in there. I left work early and cancelled my day tommorow. I am already having discomfort and pain and dont want to overdo it before the retrieval. MONDAY is the definate retrieval now. woohoooo!!! Waiting for the OR coordinator to call to schedule it today. I am laying low until then. Hoping I dont get sick. Praying for this to work!

Last stim shot hopefully!!!

Holy Poop! I can't believe tonight might already be my last stim shot. I am starting to bruise so I Don't Hate it!!! I may possibly give the trigger tommorow night then retrieve Monday!

I am getting super psyched for the retrieval. I have never done IVF before and have no idea the quality of my eggs, or our embryos. That is the most exciting/ nerve wracking part of this for me. I finally get to know what I am producing in there. And then hopefully have a better idea why it isnt working.

I have bw and us in the morning and then will get the call tommorow afternoon to find out for sure when to trigger. AHHHHH I have the shakes I have so much running through my veins and mind right now.

On the side effect end of things. Bad headaches and some nausea are starting to creep in. Yesterday I had dizziness and the only other time I can remember feeling that exact way was when I was pregnant with kayden (just implanting) and I am hoping it is just another sign from God that this is our time to finally have our family here with us on earth. ...Or it could be meds lol. Also I feel like I shoved Bocce Balls in my abdomen. I can feel my ovaries rubbing on all my other insides and it is so uncomfortable. Also at the point now of having a sharp pain here and there in the breasts and ovaries. I will take it if it brings me a baby(s).

Positive visualizing thoughts tonight for sure. Prayer welcome. <3

Pray for my cycle buddy Baby Hopes while your at it!!! Hope you are stimming away over there BH!! Thinking of you!

Positive thinking WORKS!!!

Dr P called, he is not worried about the mass. He says when people stim there tends to be activity in the endometrian. YAYAYAYAY!!!! I have bw and us Saturday morning and we will know for sure but he thinks i will trigger sat night and retrieval monday HOLY SH*T!!! and transfer thursday. OMGOMGOMG.


I am so excited, here is to all of you who said a little prayer for me, or gave me kind encouragement I appreciate you all so much!

More visualizations every night until the BPT...all the way!!!

FOLLICLES & Masses

Sorry for the sidewards pics. I went to the u/s and the negative news, of which I WILL NOT stress about until the dr says so is there is another mass in my uterus. Polyp or Fibroid IDK most likey polyp. I am waiting to hear if it affects me or the cycle. I have had 2 DNCs because of US like this and this one is double the size. Every time i start meds they grow like crazy.

On a Positive note... I had 14 measurable follicles from 12-21 ranging. YAY!!!!! I so hope this cycle isnt affected by the growth in my ute. But I also hope the embryos arent affected my it either when transfered.

These are the Whoppers!!!

Anticipation

Anticipation is always the absolute worst part. I just did it. And it didnt hurt any worse than when my DH does it. Its all the lead up to sticking myself thats all.

I am too excited to see whats going on in my lady business tommorow morning. My SIL is coming since she is really the only one who knows around here, and my DH has to work. Hopefully I will also find out when the retrieval will be. My boss has been bothering me to know what days I need off next week for the transfer and retrieval...And I don't Really know until I know. So it is making me anxious. But I cant let myself be stressed over anything, I need a nice calm home for the embinos!!!

In other news...One of my fav colleagues told me she had a dream someone at work was pregnant with twins. ( She had a dream when I got pregnant with Kayden that she saw 2 people having babies and my Office manager and I had just gotten preg and hadn't told) So that is sort of psyching me up!!! I am trying not to read into it though. I will take how ever many babies God wants me to have as long as I can be a mom.

I am feeling that Yearning, hope, sadness again. I want this so bad.
If you feel like it...Please pray for us. That if this is our perfect time, that our babies make it to earth this time.

Self injection nerves.

I am working until 8:30ish tonight. Ill be getting home just in time for my injection...only thing is my DH will be at a hockey game. This will be the day 5 of stims and the first I actually have to do myself. Lupron wasnt bad but this new concoction hurts like a B*tch going in and has a larger needle then before. I am nervous to do it on my own haha. Im being a baby I will suck it up.

Stim night 3!

I can tell I am responding already. I am very twingee in the ovarian region. And I can feel my ovaries and ute. I dont know how else to describe it it is uncomfortable to feel an organ, it is sensative and i am already bloating so my jeans are tight.





I have a b/w and u/s visit Thursday so we will see!!!!





I recieved 2 blog awards and am very excited and grateful and WILL post on them tommorow and hand them back out I PROMISE!!!





Quick shout out to my cycle bud Baby Hopes @ http://chasingourstork.blogspot.com/ if you feel compelled shoot her a positive vibe and or say a little prayer her cycle to bring a baby to fill her arms and heart!!

1st night of stims!

One down, probably 5-8 more to go. Mixing all the meds (menopur, lupron, follistim) is a pain and I felt like I was doing it wrong even though I know I wasn't.
My BFF had us over for a little birthday celebration for the DH. So sweet of her to do that for him, and for getting icecream cake for the IFers cycle LOL.

I had DH give me the first injection because the needles like twice the size as the one I have been using. It BURNS...it felt weird like there was sooo much med and it was pushing my insides out of the way to dig in. And probly TMI but I had wiked gas pain tonight (which I get during treatments) and it hurts so much like my ute and ovaries are alredy a bit swollen and sensative and the gas pushes against them and it really hurts bad.

So glad to have day one out of the way and be stimming finally. Now appointments until our first monitoring thursday. I will be usuing my visualization techniques I used when I got pregnant with Kayden. Tonight I will just picture my meds making there wat to me lady bits.

Baby Hopes had her first stims today too!!! So glad to have a cycle buddy!!!
Pray with us that this cycle gives us our BFP!!!!!

Bad day

I had a terrible day today. I started it off angry and hurt. Then at work it felt like nothing was going right or easy. And as I was walking out to the parking lot I realized I parked in a closer spot and had to turn around and walk all the way back. Crying at this point. So I call my husband and vent and realize the meds are finally getting to me. I had such an anxiety, anxiousness feeling about me today. I didn't think that Lupron alone could make me a crazy person. But a hormone is a hormone and with PCOS I have a lack of those all my life so pumping them into me makes me crazier than anything. I feel like jumping out of my skin. Then I got out of work just to come home and work my second job (part time sewing for a company) when it was so so so beautiful out. I just called it quits. I won't do it. My wonderful husband is making me red hot dogs on the grill and Velveeta. (I was having a craving) And I am going to relax now. Try to lower my blood pressure a bit. Tonight is my first night without BC so come on Auntie FLOW!!! I want to get this freak show on the road! I can't imagine what stims will do to me at this point...Oh yes that's right the same thing they have for almost three years now. YUCK. I can't believe its been almost three years of this shit with still no baby in our arms. Sometimes I can't make sense of God's Plan...Its these times where I need to take a deep breath and remember he does have a plan...he does have a plan...

OUCH!!!

Okay, maybe I was over thinking it tonight or maybe my belly was just sore but tonights Lupron injection HURT and bled. I didnt do it quick so I had to like push it through the skin Owwwwiiieee. Needless to say I think I need a break so Jason will be giving me my shot tommorow night. I am however excited that Sunday night will be my last bc pill...I am praying my period does a magic trick and comes on its own. Your prayers are welcome too!!! And if you are so inclined you could through in a "I hope this cycle gets this crazy infertile pregnant" prayer too!!! Hahahha

Cycle started

Okay so I officially started my first ever IVF cycle yesterday night!! Woohooo! Lupron...I was nervous like oh Shit injections again!?!? But that Lupron needle is SOOOO tiny I barely felt it go in. And the Lupron didnt burn at all. That was exciting! I did learn a trick at my injection lesson to help with the burn though...After wiping with alcahol wipe wait a minute or two until your skin isnt shiny anymore then stick. Most of the reason is because the alcahol goes in too if you dont wait for it to dry. So thats the positive!! A little negative...having some issues with feeling like I always have been that person that goes above and beyond for everyone, always doing whatever to make it easier for other people, just because that is who I am its just my personality. And after we lost Kayden we decided to start focusing on us and reserving all that extra energy that went to everyone else for eachother. It has made our relationship much stronger with eachother, but we don't see anyone anymore. so I am left feeling like we aren't that important to the people who are so important to us. I know everyone has their own lives and schedules but it does make me sad that even though we went out of our way to go see poeple when it was easier for them now that we have been centered at home no one is going out of their way to see us. (I say no one but i do have a few people i am very close with in my life that I do see regularly).... Am I being a hormonal mess, bitter infertile, or what?!?! Also the thought does occur, and I know one of my bloggy buddies spoke on this earlier in the month, I am not part of the "I am a mom" crowd right now and am feeling a little ignored by those of my family and friends who are...WHEN I do become part of their club am I automatically going to hear from and see these people all the time because I turned MOMMY?? And will that be more hurtful then just not be included? Well vent over. Back to the positive fresh new start that this IVF cycle will hopefully bring. Thinking about my cycle buddy Baby Hopes every step of the way! And all of the other lovely ladies on their way to BFPs!!!

God is good

I feel very positive about our first IVF cycle. God has been sending me signs, messages, and directly speaking to my heart and situation at church. I am glad I have faith to hold onto in these uncertain times. Then the little voice inside that has been hurt so many times before is nervous.

Is it April...I couldn't tell....

Everything had been melting away. We had a few nice sunny cool but warmer than usual days. I had the dogs out on their runners which we all have desperately needed. Then I wake up on the first day of April and we have a Nor'easter...Not the Easter I would have liked to have this month. Grrrr. Worst part I lost power too. So I cleaned the house...picked up...waiting for the power to come back on because I have to work at three. Luckily I work at a Hotel so I was able to head in and shower at work before work...but to top everything off I had my work clothes (bra included) in the wash when the power went out! So I had to come real early to make sure they had time to dry here before my shift. So now I am eating lunch in a guest room waiting for them to dry. Then HI HO HI HO its off to work I go. I truly hope this is the last snow of the season. I NEED SUN and HEAT. On IVF news... I start Lupron on the 11th!!!!!! AHHHHHH I am so pumped!

Thank you God

God has sent me so many messages lately. The Kate and Carly tag... through women he has put in my path... through the peace and hope I have found in the upcoming IVF cycle... in the not so coincidental timing of starting treatments again ( when I got pregnant it was a month before our 2 year anniversary and the IVF cycle is a month before our 10 year anni and my EDD) Then In a conversation with one of those women placed into my life by God the other night. I had a realization that Carly ( my husbands childhood friend who passed away when he was 13) who has come to me in medium sessions and who I feel around us, was meant to be up there as our guardian angel. Then I looked at my friend and said to her if I can make any sort of "sense" out of a young woman's passing that had been here a while and had a life and personality and history then how can I NOT see that there must be a reason ( not yet revealed to me) for Kayden to be with God instead of earth with me and DH. And after I told her that, I felt the realization heavy on me. I wanted to go home and sit with that a while, pray about it. And when I turned on the radio on the ride home a new song I have LOVED started playing... And It was the most beautiful and reassuring of the messages and signs God has sent me, It was a flashing light I couldn't ignore. Here are the lyrics... It’s like a storm That cuts a path It’s breaks your will It feels like that You think your lost But your not lost on your own Your not alone I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do If you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go It hurts my heart To see you cry I know it’s dark This part of life Oh it finds us all And we’re too small To stop the rain Oh but when it rains I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let you fall Don’t be afraid to fall I’m right here to catch you I wont let you down It wont get you down Your gonna make it Yea I know you can make it Cause I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope And I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go Oh I’m gonna hold you And I wont let go Wont let you go No I wont Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics I cried like a baby. It was so completely comforting. God is good. I am confident in this IVF cycle...and not in the way that I am completely positive it will work (although I cant lie I feel good about it) but more in the way that I am done trying to see two steps ahead in God's plan and read into things too much but instead just follow his influence and signs in my life. Thank you God.

thinking

I have been thinking a lot about Kayden the past week, and here are some things I just realized. We already knew we got pregnant just before our 2 year wedding anni. Which we thought at the time was sweet. Then I was thinking how my edd would have been mid may, and I thought holy canoli we have our 10 year anniversary May 12. WIERD... what is that supposed to mean? How am I supposed to feel about not just losing Kayden but having Kayden's dates match up with our important dates....Terrible...unfair...angry...sad.

Well then if the glass was half full..I could look at it like I got pregnant right before our anni last year and maybe I will have the same luck with the upcoming IVF cycle and get pregnant right before our 10 year anni this time... If so I hope it actually results in a real live baby.

FB got me again...

Pregnancy anouncements from random people on facebook never get any easier...( I am not speaking about posts from good friends :) )


Pretty sure I am going to have a long hot shower SOB SESSION tonight!

God,
If you can hear me out here in cyber space...please send me my babie(s) this cycle. I will love them so much, and take care of them the best I can. I PROMISE!

~kate

long time no feel

So i guess it has been a while since treatments...so much so that just bc and prenatals and my boobs are KILLING me. BRING ON THE STIMS hahaha