4w4d

Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. The spotting and cramping stopped. It seems to have been the endometrin just like so many suggested. It really rocked my little boat though, I had many a pep talk with those little embinos about how they need to sit tight yesterday. I believe they heard me :).
I am heading to go get my blood drawn this morning anyways just to ease my mind. Then again on Monday. If everything is all set until then then we will wait the week and two days to see them on the big screen lol.

Praying and trying my hardest to take it easy while working a pretty physically demanding job. Luckily I have a bunch of servers pulling for me and the babes that wil take the heavy lifting for me. And a pretty understanding friend at work who is always there to be the voice of reason, yet still make sure I am ok. She has gone through a long IF struggle and totally understands. I am forever grateful for her.

I am feeling cautious but definately optamistic. And very blessed. Today...I am still pregnant, thank you God!

Bad day

I had a terrible day today. I started it off angry and hurt. Then at work it felt like nothing was going right or easy. And as I was walking out to the parking lot I realized I parked in a closer spot and had to turn around and walk all the way back. Crying at this point. So I call my husband and vent and realize the meds are finally getting to me. I had such an anxiety, anxiousness feeling about me today. I didn't think that Lupron alone could make me a crazy person. But a hormone is a hormone and with PCOS I have a lack of those all my life so pumping them into me makes me crazier than anything. I feel like jumping out of my skin. Then I got out of work just to come home and work my second job (part time sewing for a company) when it was so so so beautiful out. I just called it quits. I won't do it. My wonderful husband is making me red hot dogs on the grill and Velveeta. (I was having a craving) And I am going to relax now. Try to lower my blood pressure a bit. Tonight is my first night without BC so come on Auntie FLOW!!! I want to get this freak show on the road! I can't imagine what stims will do to me at this point...Oh yes that's right the same thing they have for almost three years now. YUCK. I can't believe its been almost three years of this shit with still no baby in our arms. Sometimes I can't make sense of God's Plan...Its these times where I need to take a deep breath and remember he does have a plan...he does have a plan...

God is good

I feel very positive about our first IVF cycle. God has been sending me signs, messages, and directly speaking to my heart and situation at church. I am glad I have faith to hold onto in these uncertain times. Then the little voice inside that has been hurt so many times before is nervous.

Thank you God

God has sent me so many messages lately. The Kate and Carly tag... through women he has put in my path... through the peace and hope I have found in the upcoming IVF cycle... in the not so coincidental timing of starting treatments again ( when I got pregnant it was a month before our 2 year anniversary and the IVF cycle is a month before our 10 year anni and my EDD) Then In a conversation with one of those women placed into my life by God the other night. I had a realization that Carly ( my husbands childhood friend who passed away when he was 13) who has come to me in medium sessions and who I feel around us, was meant to be up there as our guardian angel. Then I looked at my friend and said to her if I can make any sort of "sense" out of a young woman's passing that had been here a while and had a life and personality and history then how can I NOT see that there must be a reason ( not yet revealed to me) for Kayden to be with God instead of earth with me and DH. And after I told her that, I felt the realization heavy on me. I wanted to go home and sit with that a while, pray about it. And when I turned on the radio on the ride home a new song I have LOVED started playing... And It was the most beautiful and reassuring of the messages and signs God has sent me, It was a flashing light I couldn't ignore. Here are the lyrics... It’s like a storm That cuts a path It’s breaks your will It feels like that You think your lost But your not lost on your own Your not alone I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do If you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go It hurts my heart To see you cry I know it’s dark This part of life Oh it finds us all And we’re too small To stop the rain Oh but when it rains I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let you fall Don’t be afraid to fall I’m right here to catch you I wont let you down It wont get you down Your gonna make it Yea I know you can make it Cause I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope And I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go Oh I’m gonna hold you And I wont let go Wont let you go No I wont Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics I cried like a baby. It was so completely comforting. God is good. I am confident in this IVF cycle...and not in the way that I am completely positive it will work (although I cant lie I feel good about it) but more in the way that I am done trying to see two steps ahead in God's plan and read into things too much but instead just follow his influence and signs in my life. Thank you God.