Anxiety

For the most part I have been doing so good controlling myself to be positive in thoughts and speech. This Monday however, I had my first ever anxiety attack. I couldn't catch my breath. I busted out the maternity clothes last weekend and although we haven't told my son the news yet he has been asking for a baby sister all weekend. I think I started feeling this pressure of is this really happening?!? The blood work was three eeks ago and besides symptoms that could be caused by the progesterone I am feeling good. It made me question is there really a baby growing in there? That may sound silly but with my history I am afraid that I am living this life and it will all crash down around me when I see no heartbeat.

That was my fear talking. I have to trust in this baby. I woke up yesterday super nauseous (ask and you shall receive). I also moved up my ultrasound to this Friday. I will be 7wk 2 days.

I need to see my baby with a healthy heartbeat.

Nervous

I had a good day. I spent some good time shopping (with other people's money) for work decorations. Good conversation was had, and IVF was discussed....

I realized on the drive home HOPE has embedded itself into my heart and soul, it came by and cuddled in. Before you know it all my conversations about the upcoming cycle leaves my inside thoughts saying we are going to have a baby.

Then I realize along with allowing myself to hope and dream of a pink baby bundle comes the possibility of being let down again. (yep were back there again). Or getting the BFP again and heaven forbid (KNOCK on wood) it doesn't last again.

Ugghh I want to let myself just hope and be excited and let the proverbial chips fall. BUT I so desperately don't want to be hurt.

Dear God,
Please allow our babies to come into our lives now, let this be the time.


OH YAH and the weirdest thing happened...that I am choosing to take as a good sign about the upcoming IVF cycle. I was walking through the Christmas tree shops and i got in line to checkout and right there in line was a reusable bag i was checking the price and noticed the tag says "Kate & Carly"... Carly is my DH's childhood friend (and girlfriend) who passed away in a car accident when he moved to Maine back in 2000. She came to me in a reading by a medium and said she is with Jason all day, watching over him and keeping him company. This was right before the BFP ( they said I was pregnant during the reading) and we talked about naming a baby girl after her by her middle name being Carly. When I say my prayers at night I also ask Carly to keep Kayden company up there. So I think this is a good sign...