The rollercoaster of emotions

So I had a D&C on Tuesday. Probably the most terrible thing i have ever gone through. I got put to sleep pregnant and woke up empty. I was coming out of the anesthesia and I just couldnt stop crying. Everything was fuzzy and confused but all I knew was i was empty. What had been there whether it was a "normal" or "abnormal" pregnancy was all gone now. I wanted my husband. I wanted him to hold me. And to give me another baby. I was so terribly heartbroken.

Then the past 2 days i have been working my part time from home sewing job to bring in some sort of paycheck, and i have kept myself sooooo busy. I actually feel like ive litterally been in a fog the past two days. Now i just sat down after tidying up and bawled my eyes out. I am so sad all over again. I feel like i am just now coming off the anesthesia and i feel like a shell. I am empty.
I will never know that baby, never name that baby, never hold or kiss that baby. I cant imagine it.

Hybernation

We are losing the baby. I got the call last wednesday at work that my numbers werent doubling and she thought i had an eptopic pregnancy or would miscarry. I had to go in for B/W and U/S and they said they saw something in my uterus that is abnormal and the size of someone with 1500 HCG when i only have 300, makes her think it could possibly be molar or partially molar. Which is cancerous cells and makes me nervous and scared. I dont want to have to do chemo to clean my blood, and i definately dont want to have to wait a year to try again. Although we decided to take the rest of the year off to enjoy our favorite seasons.
I dont want to see anyone or go anywhere but i dont want to be alone, i want to sleep for a long time and wake up better. I cant believe I was so happy for such a short period of time. I am thankful though that i didnt see a baby on an ultrasound or hear a heartbeat or hold my baby just to lose it. I thank god for the grace of not hurting worse than i already do. Heartbroken makes since now. I litterally feel like someone took a chisel to my heart and took a chunk off.
D&C Tuesday if i dont miscarry on my own before tuesday. I pray for strength.

WE DID IT!!!!

I cant believe it but I AM PREGNANT!!!! Okay let me start from the begining...

Okay so Monday morning I POAS and it was negative, I went in to the DR's office and took my BW and My favorite nurse Louise (my babymaking angel) called and sounded conflicted saying well it isnt negative but it is very very low, a 9 hcg, So she said it could posibly be residual Ovedril (but sounded unconvinced about that), and that it could be an early pregnancy...At first I talked myself out of it being a pregnancy, it cant be, thats too low, maybe it was chemical, but the next morning i took a poas again and ...POSITIVE...hmmm.... I tried not to think about it too much but wednesday morning i poas again and positive again...I KNOW IT NOW I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL IM A MOMMY!!! I went for BW and had to wait an excruciatingly long 2 and a half hours to get a call from nurse angel louise. "Hi Kate i hae great news!!! You are pregnant it is a 44 hcg and a 18.9 progestrone" Wow the rest of the day at work it was so hard to be there. When i got home Jason greeted me with a big hug, and said "what do we do now??" Hahaha we always have a plan for the next cycle, not this time!!! There is no plan except call an OB and make an appt. This for the first time in a long 2 years is unchartered territory, and I DONT HATE IT!!!!

Last night we went to my mom's house and she had bought us scratch tickets, perfect, so i pretended i won and had her look at it (you need 3 alike to win) and i said dont you see the 3 babies?!?! She thought at first i was telling her i was having triplets hahahaha, i said no but we are having at least one!!! then we called my bro and sis and 2 step sisters. I cant wait to tell my husbands family in the next couple days, i hope nobody lets the cat out of the bag.

I am on cloud 9!!! And I think i have stopped to thank god and my guardian angels about 10 times already!!!

My Symptoms 7dpiui

Okay so the other day I experienced dizziness which I have never before. Then last night before bed i was putting on lotion and notices in the mirror that i have these brihgt blue veins right now running from nipple to neck on both sides, I have veins like everyone else, but i am pretty tanned right now and havent noticed them since winter. They are bright~!!

{TMI WARNING}Also a little more milky colored discharge than normal.

Also temps 6dpiui 98.0

7dpiui 98.1

I am noticing but trying not to harp on these things. Ofcourse I dont want to convince myself I am with child just to get a BFN but it is exciting and these days I am trying to "Celebrate the small successes."

Hmmmmm

5dpiui....woke up and took temp. Temp up, super dizzy, a bit nauseaus. hmmmm

1dpiui 97.7

2dpiui 97.5

3dpiui 97.9

4dpiui 97.7

5dpiui 98.1 !!!!!

Not assuming just observing :)

Hoping and Dreaming

4dpiui

Okay so here I am 4 days past my IUI. Not really feeling any different. Slightly crampy here and there. Couldnt sleep for two ramdom middle of the night hours last night, thats very unusual for me. Oh and ironically even my dog might be pregnant before I am. But regardless I am trying to keep my mind off it because the 2ww is dreadful and I dont want to drive myself crazy with false EPT's. So I spent the last two days crafting for fall. I made some pillow slipcovers, a fall and halloween frame, and a leaf wreath. YAY!!! I LOVE FALL, So in the end of course I did make a nursery frame too LOL I will post pics in a bit.

IUI #2

Okay So today we brought in the sample. 212 million or something like that 63% motility and grade A!!!! Perfect specimen, although I could have done without the DH knowing that haha. And with all my good numbers the RE said this was a very good cycle and he was super positive and optamistic which is how i plan to be til the very last moment of the dreaded 2ww. I bought a themometer to keep track of my morning body temp. I hope this is it. It it hard not to get your hopes up when your RE responds "you wont be going to that" when you ask about his IVF open house in october. So the actual IUI hurt pretty bad the moment he was doing it because apparently i have an angled cervix on top of everything else. So he had to use something to grab and move it so he could get the cathedar in. OUCH. I have my fingers crossed. YOU SHOULD TOO lol.

CD12 Estradile/ IUI

YAAAYYYY!!!! Estradile is 593!!! holy cow... thats the highest its ever been!!! I am pumped. I had to take my Ovadril shot an hour ago and IUI tommorow at 2. CROSSED FINGERS!!!

CD12 results and thoughts

So I have 4 follicles ready to go 25, 19,17,16 and 2 that will be by IUI 12-15 So there may be 6 all together that would have the possibilty to ovulate and get inseminated. Am i crazy for liking my odds??? I know that screams multiples, but odds are not more than twins and I would be happy with whatever god grants us. I just want to finally have a family. I am waiting on my Estradile results. Lets hope its 400 +... IUI might be tommorow =) So all in all im feeling positive so far. We will see what the doc thinks.