Thursday, January 20, 2011

Caught up with me

This whole week has been a complete and utter BLUR. I have been thinking IVFIVFIVFIVF the whole week and writing lists of question for new DR. F and rewriting those lists and talking to his Receptionist Deedee (whom I already feel close to) and sending paperwork and making phone calls faxes and emails galore! So yesterday when me and DH finally sat down to a tv show I was SHOCKED that at the sight of a text I started to BAWL. I am talking full out UGLY CRY people. It was from my Grief counsilor, telling me she missed me at group this month. Just seeing her name reminded me that I missed that ONCE monthly group session I yearn for so badly, and i lost it, not neccisarily because I was that distraught about missing that very cherished time with the superspecial ladies in group (although that was a factor) but because subconciously it made me feel like I forgot I had just all of a sudden wiped him from my mind completely at the prospect of starting IVF and the hope of a baby again. I know in reality that I had not forgotten him, and that he is always with me in my heart, but I felt guilty for moving forward.

I am better after a long conversation with T-momma. GAHD I LOVE HER. She told me she was surprised I have such peace and insight and faith in these things so soon after losing Kayden, and that it litterally took her years. That she is proud of me moving forward and hoping again. I have to say it was so nice to hear and made me realize I am a lot stronger than I often give myself credit for. I am ready to move forward.

I want to experience the sheer bliss of knowing my child is growing within me again. I am hoping this cycle is it. I feel really good about it...which I know is totally dangerous. It makes me nervous as shit but I am going for it.

Dr F here we come...snow storm or not. Tommorow is the appointment. Wish me luck **

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