Bad day

I had a terrible day today. I started it off angry and hurt. Then at work it felt like nothing was going right or easy. And as I was walking out to the parking lot I realized I parked in a closer spot and had to turn around and walk all the way back. Crying at this point. So I call my husband and vent and realize the meds are finally getting to me. I had such an anxiety, anxiousness feeling about me today. I didn't think that Lupron alone could make me a crazy person. But a hormone is a hormone and with PCOS I have a lack of those all my life so pumping them into me makes me crazier than anything. I feel like jumping out of my skin. Then I got out of work just to come home and work my second job (part time sewing for a company) when it was so so so beautiful out. I just called it quits. I won't do it. My wonderful husband is making me red hot dogs on the grill and Velveeta. (I was having a craving) And I am going to relax now. Try to lower my blood pressure a bit. Tonight is my first night without BC so come on Auntie FLOW!!! I want to get this freak show on the road! I can't imagine what stims will do to me at this point...Oh yes that's right the same thing they have for almost three years now. YUCK. I can't believe its been almost three years of this shit with still no baby in our arms. Sometimes I can't make sense of God's Plan...Its these times where I need to take a deep breath and remember he does have a plan...he does have a plan...

OUCH!!!

Okay, maybe I was over thinking it tonight or maybe my belly was just sore but tonights Lupron injection HURT and bled. I didnt do it quick so I had to like push it through the skin Owwwwiiieee. Needless to say I think I need a break so Jason will be giving me my shot tommorow night. I am however excited that Sunday night will be my last bc pill...I am praying my period does a magic trick and comes on its own. Your prayers are welcome too!!! And if you are so inclined you could through in a "I hope this cycle gets this crazy infertile pregnant" prayer too!!! Hahahha

Blog Friends

I just have to say, I just read the comments left on my last post and remembered why I am here on the blogosphere. There is absolutely no support like the support of the amazing women here who have been through the trenches with me. I love you ladies even though we have never met. I am honored to be part of your journeys and have you part of mine. XOXO Thank you for being here and always saying the right things :)

Cycle started

Okay so I officially started my first ever IVF cycle yesterday night!! Woohooo! Lupron...I was nervous like oh Shit injections again!?!? But that Lupron needle is SOOOO tiny I barely felt it go in. And the Lupron didnt burn at all. That was exciting! I did learn a trick at my injection lesson to help with the burn though...After wiping with alcahol wipe wait a minute or two until your skin isnt shiny anymore then stick. Most of the reason is because the alcahol goes in too if you dont wait for it to dry. So thats the positive!! A little negative...having some issues with feeling like I always have been that person that goes above and beyond for everyone, always doing whatever to make it easier for other people, just because that is who I am its just my personality. And after we lost Kayden we decided to start focusing on us and reserving all that extra energy that went to everyone else for eachother. It has made our relationship much stronger with eachother, but we don't see anyone anymore. so I am left feeling like we aren't that important to the people who are so important to us. I know everyone has their own lives and schedules but it does make me sad that even though we went out of our way to go see poeple when it was easier for them now that we have been centered at home no one is going out of their way to see us. (I say no one but i do have a few people i am very close with in my life that I do see regularly).... Am I being a hormonal mess, bitter infertile, or what?!?! Also the thought does occur, and I know one of my bloggy buddies spoke on this earlier in the month, I am not part of the "I am a mom" crowd right now and am feeling a little ignored by those of my family and friends who are...WHEN I do become part of their club am I automatically going to hear from and see these people all the time because I turned MOMMY?? And will that be more hurtful then just not be included? Well vent over. Back to the positive fresh new start that this IVF cycle will hopefully bring. Thinking about my cycle buddy Baby Hopes every step of the way! And all of the other lovely ladies on their way to BFPs!!!

MEDS are in in a BIG way!

These are all the meds (medication luggage below lol)!!! Holy bags of needles Youch! I start Lupron on the 11th and stims on or around the 23rd. I am so pumped. Got this all set up in the nursery. I figured it was appropriate. I will be focused on positive thinking and imagining what is happening in my body and visualizing what should be happening as it hopefully is. Too excited for a fellow IFer Miss Mac and her BFP after IVF. It came as inspiration and hope for me. I have my journal and sign all set up next to my chair so I can spend a little time meditating after injections.

It is definately less stressful not having anyone know really besides a few friends, but also a bit isolating. I think it will help me stay centered. SO PUMPED come on BFP!!!

God is good

I feel very positive about our first IVF cycle. God has been sending me signs, messages, and directly speaking to my heart and situation at church. I am glad I have faith to hold onto in these uncertain times. Then the little voice inside that has been hurt so many times before is nervous.

Is it April...I couldn't tell....

Everything had been melting away. We had a few nice sunny cool but warmer than usual days. I had the dogs out on their runners which we all have desperately needed. Then I wake up on the first day of April and we have a Nor'easter...Not the Easter I would have liked to have this month. Grrrr. Worst part I lost power too. So I cleaned the house...picked up...waiting for the power to come back on because I have to work at three. Luckily I work at a Hotel so I was able to head in and shower at work before work...but to top everything off I had my work clothes (bra included) in the wash when the power went out! So I had to come real early to make sure they had time to dry here before my shift. So now I am eating lunch in a guest room waiting for them to dry. Then HI HO HI HO its off to work I go. I truly hope this is the last snow of the season. I NEED SUN and HEAT. On IVF news... I start Lupron on the 11th!!!!!! AHHHHHH I am so pumped!