fine line

I am struggling so hard right now between having a full on pity party for myself and being the angriest (judgemental person) alive and rising above all and just plain having faith and being thankful for what i do have.

There has been some family things going on and some people i love dearly are making some poor decisions and taking there 2 beautiful children for granted. I am struggling with my inner talk because lets face it if we are being honest with ourselves everyone has honest thoughts and they are sometimes judgemental. I am hoping I am not alone amongst IFers out there.

When you have gone through years of trying and spending all you time energy and money on treatments and still have no earthly child to show for it, even sometimes have lost babies we've conceived...it is easy to judge those out there who are taking their children for granted. But as soon as I have one of those thoughts I correct myself and feel guilt and shame for feeling that way. Because who am I really to judge anyone... I feel and can say all day long how I would do things differently... but really I never know.

Then those thoughts lead into the "why can someone who does this or that have children so easily and me and DH cant". Que Pity party trumpets... And then I am like COME ONE KATE snap out of it. No body like A pity party...those parties are only ever for one, and that is a lonely place to be.

I feel like no matter how i feel i correct myself and shame myself. I hate having this strong anger
and sense of feeling robbed. Because once you go through infertility you are forever changed.

I need to focus on seeing that I am forever changed for the positive. When...not if...WHEN I am a mommy some day, I WILL appreciate my children so much more than I would have if I had been able to just get pregnant right away. I will cherish EVERY SINGLE moment in their lives. THAT is a true blessing. I really feel, ever since I was little, that my calling in life is to be a mommy. Now I am not doubting that calling, but only wondering how I will get to that point.

This quote gave me strength today ....
“What ins’t today might be tomorrow.”

I am hoping tomorrow turns out better than today.

Meds

I talked to my Dr's office and they gave me my med schedule which includes...Lupron, Bravelle, Menopur, Ovadrel, and Endometrin. The good news is after prescription insurance deductible and copays it will be a little below 300.00. I will have to scrounge to come up with it because money is tight right now, but it is a lot less than I expected. about 3 weeks til the meds start. I am in desperate need of a period...in a few days I will have one and hopefully feel less anxious and bitchy.

Terrible night

I had a terribly stressful night at work.

I am PMSing SO BAD which made it worse.

My boobs are so sore.

I want a hot fudge brownie sunday like you read about.

Our song

I just heard this song and the lyrics fit where we are. My DH and I have never been stronger. He is the only person I can always count on. We have made our marriage and family (lola and rocky our pups) our true priority this year. We are focusing on us and anything /one else that fits into our life here and there we see and enjoy, but we haven't gone out of our way to make a million plans every week with 12 different people. I make new meals for him and eat at the table, which we hadn't done in a while, say grace, talk about our days and whats on our mind. Really connect once a day. and that has made the world of difference because as most of you know who have gone through IF treatments it is SUPER stressful. And sometimes the fact that you are SUPER hormonal and uncomfortable and stressed on top of the fact that DH doesn't have to touch you or really look at you to get you (or not get you) pregnant really takes a toll on the relationship some days. And helps you to not do those small things on a day to day.

Anywho here are the lyrics.


I Won't Let Go by rascal flats

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do

And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

Disturbing...

I am thouroughly disturbed today. I have a good friend who is a fellow infertile that shares with me and I with her our thoughts and struggles, advice and history.

Although she has not been graced with a child of her own YET through treatments she and her husband have been blessed in growing their family through fostering to adopt. She has one BEAUTIFUL son and (by the same birthmother) is waiting on hopefully 2 more gorgeous children.
This woman is no rolemodel, everything I have heard of her has made me want to vomit. She is one of those people you hear about and ask God WHY can she have so many children without trouble (born addicted) just to get them taken away, but wonderful people everywhere cannot have any?? But in the same exact breath by having these children have blessed my friend's life in such a big way.

Today when I stopped in to say hi she told me about her adoptive childs birthmother's most recent transgressions. There were alot of snow days in the past few months so they offered her extra hour on a visitation day and her and her INsignificant other/ baby daddy TURNED IT DOWN...like no nothanks i dont want any extra time besides the limited supervised visit i get once a week even though this winter has been so shitty weve lost total days with them.

And even better this monday was a "holiday" not totally recognized by all businesses, and her visitation people were one of the businesses that were open so they got the kids and brought them to visit their parents, knocked on the door birthfather answered, and said why are you here?? They said we are open so you get to see your kids! Yay! He freaked out and said "youre kidding we have to parent on a holiday?!?!" he was so pissed that he locked himself in his room for the whole first hour of their visit. (he only gets to see them for a few hours one day a week)

This story and her situation makes me completely Ill. I cannot falthom that God would allow someone to birth children who are like this when so many deserving loving couples cannot.

HAVING A WHY US MOMENT.

Why?

Why is it people think they should comment on pregnancy at all??

I have been irked and stewing about this ever since Friday. I was doing my rounds of couponing and got to Rite aid. I was cashing out had 2 seperate purchases with 20 coupons for each one. I was organizing everything on the counter and the 20 something cashier saw the pregnancy tests on the counter (yes I got a great deal on 2 clear blue easy digital).
She says to me... " oh.. is this a bad thing or a good thing?"

FIRST OF ALL who even thinks it is okay to comment on someone buying pregnancy tests...just cash me out and let me leave. So I taken back said I hope its a good thing we are about to have an IVF cycle, hoping to put her in her place. But know she doesn't even know what that is so I explain its a fertility treatment, and we are going on three years of them (now thinking I shouldn't have said anything at all). She follows with REALLY you want kids that bad?? How old are you anyway?

I FEEL MY FACE GETTING HOT.....I said going on 24 and yes I obviously want kids that bad.
She says I am 23 and have 2 myself but Geesh...

I said well we've been together for 10 years.

GET ME OUTTA HERE... as I am leaving she says Well good luck with that!

IGNORANT WOMAN. Ugghhh Can you believe what people say?!?!?!

Quick Saturday Project

Today still laying low a bit, I was looking through the blogs and came across a cool tutorial for a jewlery hanger. Made from an old wooden frame, fabric, tule, ribbon, and hooks. I thought to my(bored)self I HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS!!!! So here it is folks...

Dont you love the colors?!?!Remeber these?? I got them from the best at Christmas!

I figured I dont have any bows or hair accesories for the ribbons bt i have pins!!!
If you want to do this project check out the tutorial at Flowery Fashion !!