fine line

I am struggling so hard right now between having a full on pity party for myself and being the angriest (judgemental person) alive and rising above all and just plain having faith and being thankful for what i do have.

There has been some family things going on and some people i love dearly are making some poor decisions and taking there 2 beautiful children for granted. I am struggling with my inner talk because lets face it if we are being honest with ourselves everyone has honest thoughts and they are sometimes judgemental. I am hoping I am not alone amongst IFers out there.

When you have gone through years of trying and spending all you time energy and money on treatments and still have no earthly child to show for it, even sometimes have lost babies we've conceived...it is easy to judge those out there who are taking their children for granted. But as soon as I have one of those thoughts I correct myself and feel guilt and shame for feeling that way. Because who am I really to judge anyone... I feel and can say all day long how I would do things differently... but really I never know.

Then those thoughts lead into the "why can someone who does this or that have children so easily and me and DH cant". Que Pity party trumpets... And then I am like COME ONE KATE snap out of it. No body like A pity party...those parties are only ever for one, and that is a lonely place to be.

I feel like no matter how i feel i correct myself and shame myself. I hate having this strong anger
and sense of feeling robbed. Because once you go through infertility you are forever changed.

I need to focus on seeing that I am forever changed for the positive. When...not if...WHEN I am a mommy some day, I WILL appreciate my children so much more than I would have if I had been able to just get pregnant right away. I will cherish EVERY SINGLE moment in their lives. THAT is a true blessing. I really feel, ever since I was little, that my calling in life is to be a mommy. Now I am not doubting that calling, but only wondering how I will get to that point.

This quote gave me strength today ....
“What ins’t today might be tomorrow.”

I am hoping tomorrow turns out better than today.