Exauhsted Shitty New Year

I was dreading the anual ball drop. I know I was happy to see 2010 go because of all the heartaches it brought. I got multiple BFN's and 1 BFP that ended in losing Kayden. The only baby i have ever carried. Then the depresion that followed, that is. Financial stressers.

Then I knew i was working, (and i have bronchitis and a sinus infection) and am coordinating a huge event for NYE at work all night. I was going to get out early 11pm... but when i called my hubs to tell him...he was at one of our BF's house with people, I just let him know i was tired and not excited for the ball drop, was very down about this year, and honestly Kayden is all i thought about all day.
#1 I dont feel good and want my PJ's
#2 I dont want to be around people and feel like i have to pretend to be happy so i dont bring everyone else down, honestly i knew id be a hott mess at ball drop and wanted to have a good ugly cry.
#3 (here is my bitter IF moment of the day) The friends he was with are my god daughters parents and they are so happy and blessed and celebrating that today, honestly as much as i love them and love being around them always <3 xoxo Den, I was in the opposite mood and couldnt be around that today.

INSTEAD of my DH understanding that he kept saying WHATEVER in a pissy tone. I was like well are you going to stay there til midnight or come be with me. He said he was staying there.
OKAY so i got off the phone and texted him Thanks for the support...IM YOUR WIFE...dont know if you remember?? He said I ruined his night and he apparently went home and to bed.

I texted him nevermind i am staying at work and getting paid to be miserable.
I did just that, I am just getting home, I didnt get a good cry, I feel like he and I will never be on the same page, I feel like he isnt supportive enough, and we are about to start 2011 on a terrible note. WONDER_FUCKING_FUL. uggghhhhhh
Happy fucking new year everyone.

yearning

I have come to the point where I know I have an angel in heaven watching me everyday. Nothing will change that, I will not meet that baby until the day I leave this place. But I am at a point now where I have sad moments amongst good days rather than the other way around.

Also



I am desperate to be pregnant again. It is all I aspire for right now.

Which wil be difficult until IVF #1 because I havent had a period since the august cycle before conception of Kayden....almost 5 months....I am going crazy.

New way to do new years resolutions...

Hello everyone, my name is Kate, and I am a lister. YES I ADMIT IT...making lists calms me and keeps me sane. haha So when my best came to me and told me about a fellow blogger's list idea I LOVED IT naturally and agreed to participate! So here it s, instead of a "new years resolution" that will never come to fruition, I am partaking with the best in a list of sorts, "24 things to do before I am 25" is what we call it. I am slowly (with much thought and care) creating this list and here are the first 7...you will be absolutely SHOCKED by the first two! NOT



1. Get Pregnant.

2. Carry above mentioned Healthy Baby(ies) to term and deliver.

3. Write and send more handwritten cards and letters.

4. Make more time to read.

5. Take a trip with my husband (never went on a honeymoon).

6. Get healthy (eat better, work out)

7. Cook a new recipe every week.

Christmas Cookie Bakeathon 2010

This year me and the best decided to make cookie platters for our get togethers and friends and family. We wanted to do 12 platters each with 13 types of cookies at 2 per platter for a grand total of 26 cookies per platter and 52 cookies per batch. We had all the best intentions of premaking all the dough that way we could just pop them in while decorating the fancy gingerbread men and sugear cookies. As you can see in the previous posts we started to do all of that weeks ago. But Christmas really snuck up on us this year...so we had 4 doughs frozen and the rest we had to make from scratch day of on Christmas Eve. (next year we will be WAY more prepared) Wait isnt that what we said last year?? HAHAHA

The Eggnog cookies look wonderous!

All our pretty platters just waiting for some yummy goodness.

We made Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies...this is the worst part! Unwrapping all the kisses!!!

Snickerdoodles are a staple at the inlaws, these came out GORGEOUS

EPIC FAIL yet again!!!!! These thumprint cookies kicked our ass 2x now! But the only way we could get the cookie to keep its shape was to use the prepackaged sugar cookie mix.

And voila!!!!! Whats on this years cookie menu you ask???

Peanut butter kiss cookies

Jam thumbprint cookies

Triple chocolate cookies

Snickerdoodles

Eggnog cookies

Chocolate molases cookies

Sugar cookies

Pumpkin Chocolate chip cookies

Brownie covered mint oreos

Chocolate Peanut butter chip cookies

Chocolate krinkles

YAY!!!!!! we had to drop a few different types of cookies for times sake. I started at 8am joined by my best at 10am and we bakes on our feet non stop til 5pm. And everyone LOVED THEM!!!!

Thanks Danielle it was fun!

Morbid thought anyone??

Okay here it is...I was standing at a co-workers mom's wake today and he was showing us the slideshow photos of his moms life and telling us who they were and such. She looked so happy, and all her family around her looked like they loved her so much... And i thought to myself...Wow your lineage really does define you in a big way. What will my wake slideshow look like...me and my siblings friends and parents. 5 slides and its over.

I want to have children of my own and grandchildren to surround me and make my life full, and great granchildren to amuse me....and to feel whole and complete for once in my life...

I dont want to feel a huge gaping hole torn through my chest and freezing me with the winds of jealousy every day. I dont want to hear about another aquaintance that is 18 just graduated and finds out they are pregnant with some guys baby that wants nothing to do with them. It breaks my heart that so many deserving loving women with loving husbands cant create a little being in their likeness but kids can...

Boston in the winter time

THIS WEEKEND WAS SO FUN!!! Me and the best took our moms to Boston for a mother daughter Christmas shopping weekend. I drove to Boston and we stopped at the square one mall for a little mall shopping and dinner. We decided on the Twitters bar and grille...BAD IDEA... their service sucked, the waitress took forever to get to and from the table. When the best finished her meal practically she realized there was a bug floating in he sauce. And so i told the waitress (with the most disgusted look on my face) about the bug. She said i will have it taken off the bill, but when she returned to the take (a year and a half later) she said i can offer you dessert...and handed us the bill. Obviously we were not about to eat anything else there. And her meal was still on their. So I went to find her and let her know we were not about to pay for a meal that had bugs in it...and she was like well i offered you dessert....i proceeded to ask for a manager. And when he came out ( 2 years later) i made sure we were standing next to full booths and said obviously we r not paying for a meal with bugs in it... and he said "just hear me out...im not saying its your fault...but that bug didnt come from my kitchen...and the meal had been eaten...." I was so pissed. 12 dollars....really you are going to argue about 12 dollars?? For 4 people to spread the word that you have a dirty resturant with bugs and terrible service?!?! I could not believe it long story short we did not pay for that meal and he got an earful.

So then we drove to the hotel and it was a nice room, nice hotel...but i didnt realize it was located in the projects hahaha...not the best side of town. All night all i heard was sirens every two minutes...when we walked down the strret to find out the t was way too far to walk to in that neck of the woods we realized our neighbor was this building lol. Explains all the noise we were right near Boston Medical.

So I ended up driving and parking right near quincy market. The first thing we walked through on our way to all the shopping was this Hollocaust Memorial...The glass is etched in very tiny print all the numbers the jews had tatooed on them...the steam from the subways reiacting the gas chambers, and the multiple survivor quotes. It was all very powerful. I was holding back the tears the entire walk through. I had the best time finishing up those people on my Christmas list, and just being with three of my favorite people...

There were carolers walking around singing carols and we stopped and sang a song with them...and i decided to add this to my list.


Look at this tree!! Gorg!

We bought tickets for our moms to go see the nutcracker ballet at the boston opera house!!!



Look how pretty!!!

This is pretty too!!!

My best and her mom (our mom) we had just gone to the famous "mike's pastry" to get their Loster Tails...that place is nuts...shoulder to shoulder yelling out orders and holding out cash lol.

Me and Mom

We went to have a drink and met up with Aunt Kara before the show at this mod chic bar FELT

The fam at the opera house

This place was magnificent

Then we hit Kittery on the way back home for some Outlet shopping...I am done and almost ready for Christmas. And I dont know how we will get Danielle out of the car she is packed like a sardine back there!!! From luggage to purchases i dont know how we fit it all in there....it was jam packed!!!!!
All in all It was the best trip I have ever had! And we are going to book early next year so we get a good hotel and a good area and make it an annual tradition. I just finished making and putting together the best's christmas gifts. I am too excited to see her open them.

I start my parties tonight with the work party...tommorow night Marquis!!... Thursday? friday baking all day then In law's Christmas...and Christmas day my moms Christmas. Then sunday the hubs got the day off so me n him are going to cuddle and relax all day.

CRAZY christmas crafting taking place (warning controversial gift) DEN DO NOT TELL DRE

I HEART modge podge!!! This stuff can be used for anything!!!! I got together with the best for a night of (lets get all this shit done that we planned to spread out and enjoy and now we have no more time and it is stressing us out) crafts. The first thing is a gift for a girlfriend of mine, it goes with some other appropriate items in a gift bag...PHOTO COASTERS!!! We were racking our brains for what to use as the coaster base for the photo we have seen it done with cork but couldnt find any that wasnt too thick. So what did i come up with roaming the isles of Home Depot...yes home depot is what i just said...

Rubber wall base!! like you see in the hospital along the base of the wall (hence the name) lol. It worked perfect!!! So step one we cut the wall base strip into coaster squares.Printed out the pics we wanted to adorn the coaster with....Modge podge thin coast onto base then smooth photo onto it, when that is dry modge podge a thin layer over photo, when dry repeat one last time. Also same idea with the modge podge and photo onto miniatue art canvases for ornaments...HERE IS THE CONTROVERSIAL GIFT...I have a friend who is oober political and controversial, he loves to get a rise out of people with his facebook status'. And i wanted to give him a gift with that theme this year...This one fell from the sky...I looked through his status' for this one...Happy holidays is what terrorists say...LOVE IT! So i traced the saying onto freezer paper...cut it out for an HOUR with an exacto knife, Ironed it onto the shirt and painted over it.And this is the final product...HILLARIOUS...he will get a kick out of it!!!

We also finished up our now ripe vannila extract by straining it and bottling it in our personalized labeled bottles.

The funnel i got at home depot for a dollar on clearance hahahahahaThere is the bestie straining it with coffee filters which took forever...We ended up pouring it through a mesh tea steaper. Below are my bottles Its all ready to go...now for tie blankets...tommorow. I am too tired to do them tonight.

Oh and tommorow me the best and our moms leave for BOSTON, I surprised my mom for christmas with this trip...2 nights in a hotel, shopping eating talking...should be so much fun!

G&B

I just watched the new episode of Guliana and Bill... She Hyper stimulated and went to the ER by ambulance. That is my 2nd worst fear about IVF. But my number 1 fear is that it wont work.
I have set a goal for us of a year. my new years resolution is to get a sticky pregnancy. and if we dont get pregnant through IVF this coming year, then we will start an adoption process. I will have a baby, a family of at least 3, by 2013. Because me and my wonderful husband deserve it. We deserve to share all this love we have for eachother with a little bambino.

Holly Jolly Blog Hop

Hey all thanks for stopping in!! I just did a decoration post below please see that for all my holiday shopping/ decorations.
I want to share my recipe for Chocolate covered Peanut Butter Balls. This recipe will be at every one of my Christmas parties this year. Everyone LOVES it!!!

Chocolate covered Peanut Butter Balls

Balls:

2 sticks butter, softened
2 c. peanut butter
1-1/4 to 1-1/2 lb. powdered sugar

Sauce:

1 (12 oz.) pkg. chocolate chips
1 lg. Hershey bar
1/4 bar of paraffin

Mash together butter and peanut butter. Add powdered sugar, and mix well. Shape into 1 inch balls and freeze overnight. In a double boiler, melt together the chocolate chips, a large Hershey bar, and food-grade paraffin or beeswax.
Dip balls into chocolate mixture and place on wax paper. Refrigerate until cool. Use toothpicks to dip balls.

Join the Blog Hop and Share your recipe for day1!!!

IVF??

I need to sit down with my RE Mr. Dr. but right now me and DH are really leaning towards IVF as the next step in the new year. I just found out I am lucky enough to have an insurance that covers 6 IVF cycles per live birth. All we would have to pay is our $40 copays per visit and meds. So here we come back to Mr Dr for a consult on our situation now and IVF. The appointment isnt until Jan 11th at 3:30pm. IT WILL TAKE FOREVER.

Kicking off the Christmas season

We went to an ACTUAL tree farm this year! It was fun and we found the perfect small tree!!! Last year we put our 8 foot tree in a part of the cathedral cieling living room, but this year i wanted to put it under a little alcove in our living room. So we went to this farm and the options were to ride a tractor to the back woods and find a tree to cut down or out front walk to find one in the smaller wooded lot. It was freezing and i didnt have my cocoa so we chose walk to the smaller lot. And it only took us 15 minutes to find her...she's a beauty.The beautiful view.Im a tree hugger!!! This is her!!!Jason being a "man" and cutting our tree down. It is funny how things like this make them feel like they are "providing" in the most origional caveman sense of the word LOL.The only tree he's been able to carry one handed hahaha!!!Leaving the farm...I LOVE MY NEW CAMERA...early christmas present...Okay I bought it for myself Black Friday...YOU CAUGHT ME.

Speaking of Black friday, me and my sister in law Nicolle went shopping at 2:30AM this year. This is us taking a very touristy picture near the LL BEAN boot in freeport even though we are Mainers. I reccomend doing this, go find a touristy place in your town and take a pic even tho your not a tourist ITS FUN!!!

Above is us in the middle of LL bean ville. The lights were soso pretty. Below is our tree fully decorated in the alcove I was talking about. What kind of tree do you do?? Upside down? Color themed? Ribbon and bows?? I do the classic eclectic ornaments over the years tree. So I thought i'd bring you through my favorite ornaments and their story.

This ornament, i realized sadly, will see its last year on our tree this year because it is getting moldy hahahaha. Our nephew made it for us 2 years ago. This is one of those SMORES ornaments. It was given to me by my step sister last year (we do ornaments for eachother every year.)

This is an ornament given to us from my bestie, LOVE YOU and love this ornament!!

And in the above seen tourisy pic Nicolle gave me this fat fish ornament a few years back. It is very "us" and that same year I gave her the brother of this fish filled with blue glitter without knowing it.

Me and my hubs exchange ornaments every year and this year we bought our ornaments when we picked out our tree. This is the one he picked.

And this is the one i picked.

We got this last year, first year at Jolin... I got this ornament from my second mother KS atleast 8 years ago when I was in Girl scouts!!!

Favorite ornament of all i got as a very little girl. It was a ballerina back when i danced. I love this ornament so much it reminds me of christmases with my mom. I will cherish it forever. This is a Tiffany & co. ornament i got from my aunt linda the year my meme died. She gave one to all the girl cousins to make us feel better.And this year for the winter season we bought ourselves a new LLBEAN down comforter and duvet. It is so warm and i love sleeping under the same blanket as the hubs. The dogs had ruined our nice one last year and we had been sleeping under 3 seperate blankets each to stay warm lol.

The begining of our house decorations. The hubs surprised me with this blow up snowman this year. He was all set up when i got home. So adorable of him. I am putting a christmas tree on the porch this weekend too.



I hope everyone is doing whatever makes them happy this holiday season, carrying on traditions or starting something new!!