side effects?? **TMI**

After having my saline sonogram last week I have been really crampy and my cervix has been sore. But today Ive been having spiratic sharp pains on the inside. cervix or ovary down side of my vaginal wall, and have been having (pre period looking) brown discharge. WTF?? And im on Birth control and havent missed any. so i wonder why i am having this?? any ideas?

Tune up anyone??

Well I had my appointment with Bill nye yesterday for my labs and saline sonogram. I decided this shall be the docs new name because he looks like BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY hahaha.

He was so friendly and down to earth it reminded me that we are making the right choice working with him and his offices. My saline sonogram was, as the doctors would say, " a LITTLE uncomfortable" exspecially when he hit the back of my uterus with the cathetar...OWWWW.
But I was able to point everything out to the nurse, he was trying to get the nurse to point out to me but she couldnt find. What can I say I have looked at my lady parts enough to know when something in there isnt normal. Then he took out the cathetar and said "while were in the neighborhood we might as well get a good look at those ovaries!" i like this guy!!!
So i responded lets do it Mr Rogers! OMG that is the part that was truly painful. 9 large follicles on righty and 6 on lefty and they were oober tender. he kept apologizing and as i was counting all my follies right along (ahead of) with him with a painful look on my face im sure. needless to say i am crampy.

On the funny side she thought i was an ultrasound tech hahaha. Nope just an infertile. lol

So results on the sonogram are that I have a possible fibroid, and ateast 2 polyps. Also my lining is much too thick. 17mm when peak fertile time during cycle (for implatation) should only be 12.
Could this possibly be from 6 months without a period!?!?! YEP!

So I need a Hysteroscopy. with a myomectomy, and polypectomy, and another D&C. ugghh surgery for this girl.

On the bright side it will be shiny and new for my little embryos!!! I am glad we are getting this over with so it will be good breeding grounds. Hopefully this makes the difference in my first IVF cycle. Bodyparts crossed.

Bad news surgery date isnt until atleast the 17th. BOOOOO. so im assuming we wont be stimming until march. hmmpphh.

So i am in for a tune up.

REMINDER

“The freedom to move forward to new opportunities and to produce results comes from living in the present not the past”
~Brian Koslow

This is a powerful one. I'd like to remind myself of this should (when) I get pregnant this coming 1st IVF cycle.

Ahhhhhh wishful thinking...

Off to the appointment for all my testing. Wish me luck!!

Stupid facebok

Just got ambushed with another facebook pregnancy anouncement. But this one is the best of all because she says... and I quote... "what are we getting our selves into" end quote!

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!


Dear God,
Why do you give babies to people who are...
A. Undeserving
B. WAY too young
C. DONT WANT THEM
D. Dont spend every single waking living moment praying and hoping and spending every last dime and ounce of energy trying to have one so they may raise them to do your will.


Bitter a bit?! I know. I shouldnt question Gods motives but am I the only one?? Does any one out there want to help me feel like less of a shitty person and admitt sometimes they have thought this too???

ugghh Bed is much needed at theis point i think.

The Dreaded BCP

I am on my 3rd week of BCP and I AM STILL SO SICK. Every night and or morning I am nauseas. And NO it doesn't mean I am pregnant. Because I am not. I know because Ive seen 3 dr's in the past month who have made me endure a pee test/ and or blood test to make sure. THANKS.

Yes i have to continually take these horrid little blue demons for as long as it takes to start stims for my first ever IVF cycle!!! Which is the only thing i need to think of to just suck it up and do it.

My testing and DH's are scheduled for Friday!

And then saturday I am having a good ole veg session with Brittany!!! Movies Munchies and PJ's all day. Should be heavenly.

Kateology

Okay everyone I AM SORRY i havent updated since the trip to go so DR F. I had a great weekend and will update tonight. I have been WAY too preoccupied reading up from "07 to where I currently am on her blog "10 at Heeeere Storkey Storkey It is amazing, she is Hillarious and has been through so so so much. I am not up to date in her blog yet but will be soon. She has already given me loads of hope. CHeck Her Out!!!

So I thought I'd participate in this. Now you all must too!!!

Kateology


FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Newly Ceasar, was asian sesame ginger
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? TGI Fridays
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Kelly's, or BK
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? tie between chocolate or icecream
What are your pizza toppings of choice? CHEESEEEYYYY
How many televisions are in your house? 4
What color cell phone do you have? Black sprint HTC hero Droid

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Righty
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? My baby :(
What is the last heavy item you lifted? My luggage into the house
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Only for surgery
Have you ever fainted? No but I have made someone else faint

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? NO
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I already did when I took my husbands name :)
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 10 atleast
Last person you talked to? Jason <3

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Fall
Holiday? Christmas
Day of the week? Saturday
Month? September
Color? Pink
Drink? Rootbeer Float
Alcoholic? Glass of White wine when not TTC

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? Kayden
What are you listening to? My heater haha
What are you watching? The computer screen
Worrying about? If i will need surgery
What's the last movie you saw? Dinner for Schmucks HILLARIOUS
Do you smile often? All the time
If you could change your eye color what would it be? Blue
What's on your wish list for your birthday? A baby growing in me
Can you do a chin-up? Hell to the No
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Nervous
Have you been in a car wreck? No
Have you caused a car wreck? No
Do you have an accent? Maine accent ( or atleast my inlaws say that)
Last time you cried? Yesterday
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes
Name three things you bought yesterday? Pregnancy tests, Valentines cards, a chocolate milkshake.
Have you met someone who has changed your life? Many but most of all Tammy Brule <3
How did you bring in the New Year? WORKING
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? No, everything that has happened has brought me to this moment. I need this to work though.
What songs do you sing in the shower? Anything I have stuck in my soapy little head.
Have you held hands with someone today? Not yet
Who was the last person you took a picture of? My nephew JR at his 1st bday
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Most old
Do you like pulpy orange juice? NO
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? 2 weeks ago
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Sleeping
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I need to go get online and read Here Stokey Storkey!!

Thanks Stacie for the great Idea

Boston Ivf Trip

Hi all!
So we traveled through a snow storm in white out conditions 3.5 hours to get to Boston IVF to meet with the potential DR F, because lets face it people, weve made it this far and always as IFers have to hurry up and wait...this snowstorm wasnt going to stop me and postpone yet another step in our journey to be parents.

SLOW going though to say the least. If you cant see a BIG GREEN Bridge until you are right upon it that pretty much tells you to slow down haha.

We treated ourselves to UNOs pizzaria when we arrived YUmmmmm. Then we had to give a thurough history to an OB/GYN before we went to meet Dr F. So an hour later, litterally, we were brought to his office. He had already read up on our history and my chart. He said "the mass" in my uterus needed to have a special type of sonogram done where they inject saline solution in utero and do an ultrasound to see it clearer diagnose it and figure out if i need surgery to remove it or if it can stay there without effecting a future embie**. All of that testing will be done next week and results next week or the week after. If surgery we hault til that is taken care of. If no surgery (fingers crossed) then he will create our med plan order them and start meds 2nd week of february. so second week we would be doing the retrieval/ transfer God and Embie willing. And themn the 2ww would bring us to 1st or begining of the second week of March for the HPT i mean Blood HCG hahaha we all know I wont be able to not test LOL.

And let me just say this is how the sky looked leaving Boston IVF...sign from god?? I think so!...Or atleast I'll take it!!! Can I also say I felt like I was at home in that place. Usually we go into these Dr's offices and always atleast see one pregnant person or "normal" person and when I walked into Boston IVF it was so much bigger and cooler than i pictured it to be, and I thought as I looked around, Yep, all these people are here for the exact same reason. Ahhhh feels like home.

I am feeling (probably naively) optomistic. For some reason I feel good about IVF and the DR's delivery success rate of 85% with their IVF cycles for my age group is definately partly to blame for that.

Most important though is that everybody there was amazingly knowledgable and sweet. They had us meet with the Dr for a physical really quickly. Then a nurse to go over procedures and paperwork, then a financial aid to go over our specific insurance plan and what would and wouldnt be covered. all in one shot we got all the knowledge we needed and were leaving excited and completely comfortable.

Then we went to the hotel got settled in then over to Aunt Sharon and Uncle Toms... I didnt know Sharon had had a miscairrage....we were able to talk so openly about all of it and how we were REALLY doing, instead of "good" you? haha. Then a great night sleep and off the Nana Mannings house . We needed to see our Nana we missed her so much. I got a picture of papa's recliner..it was in his room. And i dont even know why i took it but there was an orb in the chair...hmmmm. Then visited with her for a while before we went out to lunch and Nana and Papas place ( nana knew all the wait staff hahaha) and me and nana had breakfast for lunch yummm. Then we brought her out to do her errands and groceries. She made us laugh so hard with all her funny sayings. Then we dropped her off helped her put away everything. and headed out. We stopped in Portland on the way home to spend a GC and i wasnt feeling it. Passing babys r us on the way home my sadist in me pictured us making a registry for our twins...SADIST. Like i needed that visual to be able to access in that brain of mine...ugghhh. Well heres hoping.
All in all we had a wonderful weekend, aside from having to come up with about 13 stories to tell different people because we arent telling anyone this time around. I feel very at peace about that. I think it will mean way less stress.

Caught up with me

This whole week has been a complete and utter BLUR. I have been thinking IVFIVFIVFIVF the whole week and writing lists of question for new DR. F and rewriting those lists and talking to his Receptionist Deedee (whom I already feel close to) and sending paperwork and making phone calls faxes and emails galore! So yesterday when me and DH finally sat down to a tv show I was SHOCKED that at the sight of a text I started to BAWL. I am talking full out UGLY CRY people. It was from my Grief counsilor, telling me she missed me at group this month. Just seeing her name reminded me that I missed that ONCE monthly group session I yearn for so badly, and i lost it, not neccisarily because I was that distraught about missing that very cherished time with the superspecial ladies in group (although that was a factor) but because subconciously it made me feel like I forgot Kayden...like I had just all of a sudden wiped him from my mind completely at the prospect of starting IVF and the hope of a baby again. I know in reality that I had not forgotten him, and that he is always with me in my heart, but I felt guilty for moving forward.

I am better after a long conversation with T-momma. GAHD I LOVE HER. She told me she was surprised I have such peace and insight and faith in these things so soon after losing Kayden, and that it litterally took her years. That she is proud of me moving forward and hoping again. I have to say it was so nice to hear and made me realize I am a lot stronger than I often give myself credit for. I am ready to move forward.

I want to experience the sheer bliss of knowing my child is growing within me again. I am hoping this cycle is it. I feel really good about it...which I know is totally dangerous. It makes me nervous as shit but I am going for it.

Dr F here we come...snow storm or not. Tommorow is the appointment. Wish me luck **

A mothers Prayer

I just read this on a blog and wanted to share it. It is so Beautiful and truly touches my soul. I hope it helps someone else out there.


A Mother's Prayer or Affirmation After Miscarriage

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this oul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

by Stacey Dinner-Levin

Snow day

Beautiful snow day today. I liked it :)

I am feeling positive about the upcoming appointment with Dr F. Wish it was tommorow!!!!!
Goodnight, really early morning and I am no morning person!!

visit with The sperminator

So some definate good things and some really confusing things came from the appointment today. He started out by saying he couldnt explain a reason for the miscairrage and that the path report shows that some things were taken out related to pregnancy but no actual pregnancy tissue was removed???? So he had me have an ultrasound with the dildocam and guess what that mass IS STILL THERE and it is not a pregnancy but a fibroid or a polyp. It is small enough he doesnt think it will pose a problem. but that made me wonder when i got the fatal ultrasound that made my doc decide i should do a D&C and not wait to see how things worked out ( seeing as how i wasnt bleeding or cramping) it was because they saw this thing THTA DIDNT GET REMOVED. and 5,000 dollars later I "can live with it in there". So thats the confusing part.

The exciting part is that we are going to do IVF through Boston IVF. Dr F is the best of the best and we have a meeting with him Friday the 21st. The best part is that they have an office in Portland so my procedures will be 45 ninutes from home instead of 3 HOURS. YAY!!!!!!
I got most of my questions answered. The clinic only transfers 2 Embies. And he thinks we have great chances. YAY. And he started me on BC pills bc he knows thats what Dr. F will do anyways so we can get a headstart for our cycle of meds to hopefully start by the first week of February.
(crazy IF hopeful side is already calculating a due date for that potential cycle) Whivh incase you're wondering would POTENTIALLY be Nov 11 or 12th or around then....and back when we started dreaming about a family and naively thought you could just "plan" one we had always said we would love to have a fall baby. Right before the holidays...and while it is Our Kind of wheather (sweatshirt weather). So that would be icing on the Diaper Cake. LOL

Overall one of the best days I have had since we lost Kayden. And we have decided to keep this startup of treatments again a secret this time. I think it will help with stress levels and stress on the outcome if only a few friends know ( ahem helllooo ladies!!!) So shhhh hahaha.

In other news my nephews 1st bday is the day after our appointment with Dr. F. I am painting a little person chair for him. It will be adorable. Then my God daughter's bday is right around the corner...CANNOT BELIEVE REESIEPOO will be a whole year old soon!!! And then my other nephew's 1st. I know a lot of new babies in my life right now!!! xoxo I am hoping among all the baby celebrations we will have a baby celebration of our own. That would be nice next fall to be planning my children's or child's 1st bday party! For now I will live vicariously through My god daughter!


A lot of thinking today...need sleep...rest brain.

Reminders everywhere

It seems we IFs are being constantly reminded we are not "mothers" in societys eyes. Arent we??


Here is the photo of the reminder at wal mart yesterday...

There is now an entire section of cards for moms about having noise in the background and being so busy with there kids to do anything ect ect. No dead baby mom cards in there. Which brings me to my next thought...I am a mother but I wont get a mothers day card.

On the not so depressing front... I am trying to fulfill my eating better betting healthy portion of things to do before im 25. And part of that for me is getting more variety and trying new things. I got a Pepino melon at Hannafords yesterday to try. It said it was a mix between banana and pear. It was smooth and sweet. YUMMMMY.

The hubs is working late tonight so I am leaving to go get dinner and eat it with him at his work. Its the little things.

Good old fashioned sleepover...Grown woman style!

I had the best night last night with some wonderful friends. It included Strawberry Daquiris, pigs in a blanket English muffin pizzas, hot tub, and the board game "what the f*ck". It was so so so much fun. I needed that catch up session...some photos...

Love you ladies!!! xoxo

Grey's Anatomy

There was a new episode of Greys on tonight and I was soooooo completely pumped for it. It was thrilling as usual i mean hold on to your undergarments amazing here people... then as the episode is coming to a close, yang and grey reunite their dark and twisty BFF bond and all is seemingly right in the TV universe ....They had to go and ruin it. Why would you do this to me and the rest of the IF community....in the next episode she has trouble TTC?!?! She had a miscairrage and now you are going to make her IF too. CUT US A BREAK CANT WE BE NORMAL ON A FUCKING TV SHOW?!?! fuck....seriously.

if you havent guessed i am no happy camper.

The Sperminator

My lovely yet hillarious husband came up with a new name for our RE... it happened when i passing i told friends something about the dreaded yet exciting meeting with our "reproductive endocrinologist" and DH said ...our what?!? I said RE...our sperm doctor... he said proudly." I am your sperm doctor! He is just the ...Sperm....inator." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA Oh ehM Gee ...too funny my man is.

Speaking of "the sperminator" I have my "lets talk about the next step" meeting with him Tuesday. I am trying to compile my list of questions (long as it may be) because this is a huge step for us. And althoug i know it is the only next logical step for us...I want to know all I am getting myself into. SOOOOO....ladies out there who have gone through this....Is there any things i should ask...any things you wish you had known before jumping into this IVF journey??

I am a lucky woman

My SIL has been going through some hard times the last few weeks. She has been forced to move back into her mothers house at 30 with 2 children after a break up with her fiancee. I helped her organize their room last night and on the way home I remembered.

Even through all the shit weve been through in 2010, I am so very lucky. I have a wonderful beautiful husband, a gorgeous home, 2 amazing dogs, great friends, and amazing family. Sometimes it takes a moment in someone elses pain or misfortune to remind a person how truly lucky and blessed I am.

I am looking forward to 2011. There will be so many things god has yet to show me in our path. I am happy to let them reveal themselves.

How does it feel??

This article was found by the Ferre Institute and, although I dont feel it ALL pertains to me personally, most of it is EXACTLY how i feel. I find myself wondering, and assuming in some instances that some of the closest people to me dont understand how it feels to struggle with infertility and loss. Here is just a bit of insight to the Infertility portion.

In the new year I pray for strength to continue on the road of treatments, and hope there arent too many speedbumps that throw us off course to our dream of becoming parents. I am hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel this year. And pray everyday for more patience, for i am severly lacking in this department. Patience to perserve, with treatments, friends and family, work, and with my goals. I know people who dont go through it cannot ever fully appreciate the pain and struggle involved but this article gives a good representation in my opinion.


"I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me as this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years trying to avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try hard, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never pregnant? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I have always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.

I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self centered. I’m sad that I’ve ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much of my energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kid’s movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timeline; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursuer adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursuer more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees. "

Just food for thought :)