Thank you God

God has sent me so many messages lately. The Kate and Carly tag... through women he has put in my path... through the peace and hope I have found in the upcoming IVF cycle... in the not so coincidental timing of starting treatments again ( when I got pregnant it was a month before our 2 year anniversary and the IVF cycle is a month before our 10 year anni and my EDD) Then In a conversation with one of those women placed into my life by God the other night. I had a realization that Carly ( my husbands childhood friend who passed away when he was 13) who has come to me in medium sessions and who I feel around us, was meant to be up there as our guardian angel. Then I looked at my friend and said to her if I can make any sort of "sense" out of a young woman's passing that had been here a while and had a life and personality and history then how can I NOT see that there must be a reason ( not yet revealed to me) for Kayden to be with God instead of earth with me and DH. And after I told her that, I felt the realization heavy on me. I wanted to go home and sit with that a while, pray about it. And when I turned on the radio on the ride home a new song I have LOVED started playing... And It was the most beautiful and reassuring of the messages and signs God has sent me, It was a flashing light I couldn't ignore. Here are the lyrics... It’s like a storm That cuts a path It’s breaks your will It feels like that You think your lost But your not lost on your own Your not alone I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do If you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go It hurts my heart To see you cry I know it’s dark This part of life Oh it finds us all And we’re too small To stop the rain Oh but when it rains I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let you fall Don’t be afraid to fall I’m right here to catch you I wont let you down It wont get you down Your gonna make it Yea I know you can make it Cause I will stand by you I will help you through When you’ve done all you can do And you can’t cope And I will dry your eyes I will fight your fight I will hold you tight And I wont let go Oh I’m gonna hold you And I wont let go Wont let you go No I wont Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics I cried like a baby. It was so completely comforting. God is good. I am confident in this IVF cycle...and not in the way that I am completely positive it will work (although I cant lie I feel good about it) but more in the way that I am done trying to see two steps ahead in God's plan and read into things too much but instead just follow his influence and signs in my life. Thank you God.

thinking

I have been thinking a lot about Kayden the past week, and here are some things I just realized. We already knew we got pregnant just before our 2 year wedding anni. Which we thought at the time was sweet. Then I was thinking how my edd would have been mid may, and I thought holy canoli we have our 10 year anniversary May 12. WIERD... what is that supposed to mean? How am I supposed to feel about not just losing Kayden but having Kayden's dates match up with our important dates....Terrible...unfair...angry...sad.

Well then if the glass was half full..I could look at it like I got pregnant right before our anni last year and maybe I will have the same luck with the upcoming IVF cycle and get pregnant right before our 10 year anni this time... If so I hope it actually results in a real live baby.

FB got me again...

Pregnancy anouncements from random people on facebook never get any easier...( I am not speaking about posts from good friends :) )


Pretty sure I am going to have a long hot shower SOB SESSION tonight!

God,
If you can hear me out here in cyber space...please send me my babie(s) this cycle. I will love them so much, and take care of them the best I can. I PROMISE!

~kate

Prayer request

I have a friend who has had a previous loss that just got the beautiful news that she is pregnant. She is nervous, i think we all know that feeling , Please say some prayers for her and her LO that they stay cozy in there for another 9 months.

long time no feel

So i guess it has been a while since treatments...so much so that just bc and prenatals and my boobs are KILLING me. BRING ON THE STIMS hahaha

Nervous

I had a good day. I spent some good time shopping (with other people's money) for work decorations. Good conversation was had, and IVF was discussed....

I realized on the drive home HOPE has embedded itself into my heart and soul, it came by and cuddled in. Before you know it all my conversations about the upcoming cycle leaves my inside thoughts saying we are going to have a baby.

Then I realize along with allowing myself to hope and dream of a pink baby bundle comes the possibility of being let down again. (yep were back there again). Or getting the BFP again and heaven forbid (KNOCK on wood) it doesn't last again.

Ugghh I want to let myself just hope and be excited and let the proverbial chips fall. BUT I so desperately don't want to be hurt.

Dear God,
Please allow our babies to come into our lives now, let this be the time.


OH YAH and the weirdest thing happened...that I am choosing to take as a good sign about the upcoming IVF cycle. I was walking through the Christmas tree shops and i got in line to checkout and right there in line was a reusable bag i was checking the price and noticed the tag says "Kate & Carly"... Carly is my DH's childhood friend (and girlfriend) who passed away in a car accident when he moved to Maine back in 2000. She came to me in a reading by a medium and said she is with Jason all day, watching over him and keeping him company. This was right before the BFP ( they said I was pregnant during the reading) and we talked about naming a baby girl after her by her middle name being Carly. When I say my prayers at night I also ask Carly to keep Kayden company up there. So I think this is a good sign...

Ironic

That i am going on 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments and about to start my first IVF cycle and the Doctor of my dreams has me taking two medicines.... Birth control and Prenatal Vitamins...IRONIC??? Hahahaa Seems counter productive.

Post BC Commercial rant

CAN I JUST SAY....

I hate the mirena commercials with a firey flaming hellish passion.

REALLY??!?!?! Who had the bright idea to make a birth control commercial that depicts pregnancy as if you can catch it as easily as the common cold. They make it seem/ look like people STRUGGLE NOT to get pregnant.

NEWS FLASH it IS NOT that easy to do for A LOT of women.

We could tell them a story or two that would get them to change their offensive marketing plan in a flash.

IVF

Our visit to Boston IVF went well. We signed all our consents and I got my day 3 bw done for my insurance to aprove. The insurance aproval usually takes a few weeks. In the meantime they have me on another pack of pills and when that period comes (in less than 3 weeks now) I will have to take 14 more days of pills and within that fourteen days I will be starting my lupron injections. Then 10 days of meds and hopefully a retrieval and transfer soon after that.

I am so glad to have a plan now. It feels like I am actually working towards something rather than just sitting in limbo. I am excited at the prospect of being pregnant again, but more than that I am excited to see the quality of my eggs and our embryos, hopefully this will give us more insight as to what our problem is.

but of course on the consents that we signed it says all the dos and donts as of now. Adn one of those is no meds but tylenol not prescribed for IVF. And so what happens I get bronchitis. SWEET. NOT. So I am pretty freaking miserable right now. Waiting for a doctors apointment and I am going to call BIVF to see if antibiotics are ok.

Consents

My husband has had a few days off. It has been so nice after 3 weeks in a row of him working 70+ hrs. (which we completely appreciate income wise) It was the first day we really spent quality time with eachother. And he has tommorow off with me as well to go to our Boston IVF appointment to sign consents and get meds ordered. That is such an amazing thing to realize.

We are actually about to start an IVF cycle. A cycle that has good odds (although we know how those workout for us) I am trying to be really positive. Imagine every good step all the way through implantation. ALL i can think about is...could this be our sticky cycle?

Extreme couponing 2/28- 3/4

At Kmart I spent $27.80 and saved $40.00
At CVS I spent $12.25 and saved $12.35.
At Rite aid I spent $12.95 and saved $27.00.

Total Spent $53.00
Total saved $79.35!!!

The LOOT!!!
6 bottles of soda
1 bottle of Purex laundry detergent
4 bottles of Propel
Cascade rinse agent
2 rolls bounty
2 bottles of dish detergent
1 febreeze air effects
1 gilette body wash
1 old spice body wash
2 old spice deoderants
2 gilette deoderants
3 secret deoderants
1 bottle of scope (with travel toothpaste)
1 soft soaf refillable hand soap
10 pk duracell battery
1 kids toothpaste and toothbrush
rasinettes
febreeze set n refresh
4 nivea chapsticks
resees
cadbury eggs
halls cough drops
welchs grape juice
and The best surprise deal of the day a Spinbrush for .77!!!!!!!

A mother's Longing

I long for that feeling again.
The glow of knowing what is inside, what lies ahead.
The hope for a new life.
A positive sign, a beating heart, a perfect mixture of you and him.


Reality hits, All that is gone.
Lost for now to a better world.
To wait with him until the day you meet.
That thought brings no solice yet.


There is an emptiness you cannot describe.
A hollow feeling that rips at you heart.
Tears fall without sound.


Can anyone hear,
your silent cries for a child you never saw?
Can anyone understand,
how unfair it is to never know the person you created?
Can anyone ever truly know
How I long for that feeling again?


~Kate Lydon