fine line

I am struggling so hard right now between having a full on pity party for myself and being the angriest (judgemental person) alive and rising above all and just plain having faith and being thankful for what i do have.

There has been some family things going on and some people i love dearly are making some poor decisions and taking there 2 beautiful children for granted. I am struggling with my inner talk because lets face it if we are being honest with ourselves everyone has honest thoughts and they are sometimes judgemental. I am hoping I am not alone amongst IFers out there.

When you have gone through years of trying and spending all you time energy and money on treatments and still have no earthly child to show for it, even sometimes have lost babies we've conceived...it is easy to judge those out there who are taking their children for granted. But as soon as I have one of those thoughts I correct myself and feel guilt and shame for feeling that way. Because who am I really to judge anyone... I feel and can say all day long how I would do things differently... but really I never know.

Then those thoughts lead into the "why can someone who does this or that have children so easily and me and DH cant". Que Pity party trumpets... And then I am like COME ONE KATE snap out of it. No body like A pity party...those parties are only ever for one, and that is a lonely place to be.

I feel like no matter how i feel i correct myself and shame myself. I hate having this strong anger
and sense of feeling robbed. Because once you go through infertility you are forever changed.

I need to focus on seeing that I am forever changed for the positive. When...not if...WHEN I am a mommy some day, I WILL appreciate my children so much more than I would have if I had been able to just get pregnant right away. I will cherish EVERY SINGLE moment in their lives. THAT is a true blessing. I really feel, ever since I was little, that my calling in life is to be a mommy. Now I am not doubting that calling, but only wondering how I will get to that point.

This quote gave me strength today ....
“What ins’t today might be tomorrow.”

I am hoping tomorrow turns out better than today.

Meds

I talked to my Dr's office and they gave me my med schedule which includes...Lupron, Bravelle, Menopur, Ovadrel, and Endometrin. The good news is after prescription insurance deductible and copays it will be a little below 300.00. I will have to scrounge to come up with it because money is tight right now, but it is a lot less than I expected. about 3 weeks til the meds start. I am in desperate need of a period...in a few days I will have one and hopefully feel less anxious and bitchy.

Terrible night

I had a terribly stressful night at work.

I am PMSing SO BAD which made it worse.

My boobs are so sore.

I want a hot fudge brownie sunday like you read about.

Our song

I just heard this song and the lyrics fit where we are. My DH and I have never been stronger. He is the only person I can always count on. We have made our marriage and family (lola and rocky our pups) our true priority this year. We are focusing on us and anything /one else that fits into our life here and there we see and enjoy, but we haven't gone out of our way to make a million plans every week with 12 different people. I make new meals for him and eat at the table, which we hadn't done in a while, say grace, talk about our days and whats on our mind. Really connect once a day. and that has made the world of difference because as most of you know who have gone through IF treatments it is SUPER stressful. And sometimes the fact that you are SUPER hormonal and uncomfortable and stressed on top of the fact that DH doesn't have to touch you or really look at you to get you (or not get you) pregnant really takes a toll on the relationship some days. And helps you to not do those small things on a day to day.

Anywho here are the lyrics.


I Won't Let Go by rascal flats

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do

And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

Disturbing...

I am thouroughly disturbed today. I have a good friend who is a fellow infertile that shares with me and I with her our thoughts and struggles, advice and history.

Although she has not been graced with a child of her own YET through treatments she and her husband have been blessed in growing their family through fostering to adopt. She has one BEAUTIFUL son and (by the same birthmother) is waiting on hopefully 2 more gorgeous children.
This woman is no rolemodel, everything I have heard of her has made me want to vomit. She is one of those people you hear about and ask God WHY can she have so many children without trouble (born addicted) just to get them taken away, but wonderful people everywhere cannot have any?? But in the same exact breath by having these children have blessed my friend's life in such a big way.

Today when I stopped in to say hi she told me about her adoptive childs birthmother's most recent transgressions. There were alot of snow days in the past few months so they offered her extra hour on a visitation day and her and her INsignificant other/ baby daddy TURNED IT DOWN...like no nothanks i dont want any extra time besides the limited supervised visit i get once a week even though this winter has been so shitty weve lost total days with them.

And even better this monday was a "holiday" not totally recognized by all businesses, and her visitation people were one of the businesses that were open so they got the kids and brought them to visit their parents, knocked on the door birthfather answered, and said why are you here?? They said we are open so you get to see your kids! Yay! He freaked out and said "youre kidding we have to parent on a holiday?!?!" he was so pissed that he locked himself in his room for the whole first hour of their visit. (he only gets to see them for a few hours one day a week)

This story and her situation makes me completely Ill. I cannot falthom that God would allow someone to birth children who are like this when so many deserving loving couples cannot.

HAVING A WHY US MOMENT.

Why?

Why is it people think they should comment on pregnancy at all??

I have been irked and stewing about this ever since Friday. I was doing my rounds of couponing and got to Rite aid. I was cashing out had 2 seperate purchases with 20 coupons for each one. I was organizing everything on the counter and the 20 something cashier saw the pregnancy tests on the counter (yes I got a great deal on 2 clear blue easy digital).
She says to me... " oh.. is this a bad thing or a good thing?"

FIRST OF ALL who even thinks it is okay to comment on someone buying pregnancy tests...just cash me out and let me leave. So I taken back said I hope its a good thing we are about to have an IVF cycle, hoping to put her in her place. But know she doesn't even know what that is so I explain its a fertility treatment, and we are going on three years of them (now thinking I shouldn't have said anything at all). She follows with REALLY you want kids that bad?? How old are you anyway?

I FEEL MY FACE GETTING HOT.....I said going on 24 and yes I obviously want kids that bad.
She says I am 23 and have 2 myself but Geesh...

I said well we've been together for 10 years.

GET ME OUTTA HERE... as I am leaving she says Well good luck with that!

IGNORANT WOMAN. Ugghhh Can you believe what people say?!?!?!

Quick Saturday Project

Today still laying low a bit, I was looking through the blogs and came across a cool tutorial for a jewlery hanger. Made from an old wooden frame, fabric, tule, ribbon, and hooks. I thought to my(bored)self I HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS!!!! So here it is folks...

Dont you love the colors?!?!Remeber these?? I got them from the best at Christmas!

I figured I dont have any bows or hair accesories for the ribbons bt i have pins!!!
If you want to do this project check out the tutorial at Flowery Fashion !!

Tubes

I forgot to mention when he went in with the camera he took 2 lovely pictures of two WIDE OPEN TUBES!!!!!! I had questionable blockage after a Hysterosalpingogram in my right tube. And now I know for sure...I am cleaned out and tuned up and clear of blockages!!! COME ON STIMS!!!!!!

Extreme couponing 2/13- 19

This extreme couponing trip was a little bit different. Last week it was couponing then seperately groceries. this week I decided if I really wanted to save money I should be couponing while grocery shopping. So here are this weeks stats.



At Wal-mart where I did mostly my regular weekly groceries. But with lots of coupons. I spent 72.56 and saved $32.50. At K mart (who I just found out also doubles coupons along with Shaws) I spent $20.36 and saved $12.93. At CVS I spent $13.39 and saved $14.24. At Shaws I spent $10.13 and saved $19.07. At Rite Aid I spent $31.69 and saved $60.00.



For a Grand total spent of $148.13 and saved a total of $138.74.



And Here is that loot!!!

2 packages of Hilshire farn deli meat

A pound of american cheese

2 totinos frozen pizzas

phillidalphia baking cream cheese

lean pockets

2 boxes of toaster pastries

2 gallons of icecream

a half gallon of milk

a gallon of orange juice

2 green giant veggie steamers

2 kilbasa

10 yolplait yogurts

2 lbs ground beef

12 pack cottenelle toilet paper

6 pack bounty paper towels

2 liquid dishwasher detergents

2 soft scrubs

2 boxes of finish dishwashing tabs

5 boxes of cereal

2 packs of bisquits

4 jars of pasta sauce

3 cans diced tomatos

4 boxes of ziploc bags

2 pack of replenish opti free contact solution

4 boxes pasta

a can of spray paint

pack of jello pudding

gain fabric softener sheets *80 count
a bottle of vaseline lotion intesive repair
2 boxes of cookie brownie bar mix
4 cans of progresso soup
2 colgate sensative toothpastes
2 boxes of special k bars
5 boxes of mac n cheese
2 boxes of pop tarts
2 degree deoderants
a box of Krusteaz pancake mix
2 bottles of Propel water
2 boxes nature valley bars
2 bags chex mix
a box of milk bones
And my favorite item of savings a two pack clear blue easy digital pregnancy tests for after this upcoming IVF cycle.

Not too shabby for $148.13 if I do say so myself.

Update #2

Okay spoke to the Doc today. He said there were multiple polyps, but his opinion is that the large dark spot we saw on sonogram was a "sort of polyp". It was coming out of the uterine wall not the lining and it had no "neck" like the polyps usually have. He said it was really a wide thick adhesion of sorts. He sent it all out to pathology. We will have the results around tuesday. Then I will get to see the photos of my uterus from the inside. He said a normal lining looks litke a smooth ripling surface. Mine looked like wads of cauliflower. Hmmm Interesting.

I am not going to worry myself over something I dont know I have to be worried about yet.

So....Dr P at Boston IVF has left me a voicemail to say as soon as I get my period after this procedure I can start stims. That is in a week and a half!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY

update

I had my surgery. It went well. I am home sore and resting.

The doctor talked to my husband (who absorbs nothing). So I will let you know the specifics once I talk to him tommorow.

Heating Johhnie...How i love and miss you.

D day

Getting ready to head to the hospital for a 9am surgery. wish me luck.

a little bit nervous.

Valentine's Day and an exciting new project

Valentine's day is always low key at my home. Me and the hubs usually get corny cards that usually have a funny sexual joke in them, usually coming out of a chubby animals mouth...wierd.
But this year I got him a heartfelt card. This past year I would not have survuved without him by my side. So I had to break the tradition to let him know lol. We got heart shaped pizza from sam's. Watched a couple of our shows and shared a plate of chocolate covered strawberries, and our favortie bakery sweet treat...BROWNIE CREAMS from Grant's bakery (our favorite bakery).

Now for the fun new project. The chairs below were a flea market find. I don't know what era they are from (although id love to, if you know let me in on it!) $5 for the pair!!! There is some damaged/ missing rungs towards the bottom, missing seats, and an allover loose and rickety feel. But they have great bones.

Me and Jason picked out a batik fabric from my stash that we both liked. We are making these chairs into a beautiful entryway bench.

With his help with the structural problems and my design since and painting skills, it should be easy!!!

Everyone who can, go over to Diva Bud's blog and send healing thoughts and prayers her way. They just their little bud. It was really sad to hear her loss. I know how that feels. I wish upon nobody. Diva bud sending my prayers to you and mr db.

Girls at heart

Yes this is me and my best skipping to the Civic center for Disney Princesses on ice! I brought her for her birthday surprise!! Along with our friends Nicolle and Brittany, it was a real princess' day out!Being cheesy!!Princess Brittany and Princess Michelle...i mean Nicolle LMAO

Yes my bag of cotton candy came with a Minnie mouse crown. And yes I wore it. And YES 8 year olds all over were jealous LOL

Best friends since 5 years old... we are just as close today ( if not way closer) than we ever were. And still just as in love with Disney and the little mermaid.

All four of us.

Minnie and GoofyAll of them (Ariel in front...you can tell by the seashell bra)We noticed all of these lifts you do, are not only obviously difficult and scary, you must have to really trust your partner...but even more you get VERY up close and personal you really have to get right in or under it to lift them...The beast was adorable!!!The 7 dwarfs. LOVE THEMCinderella in all her glory...more on her later ( crying moment to come)Gus Gus STOLE the show...and my heart

The emotional crying moments of the hormonal IFers day were as follows...I little girl squealing in delight as her favorite princess came out behind us. It melted my heart and reminded me how much I want a little girl of my own to experience these things with. The mother (pregnant) and daughter in front of us cuddling throughout the show. How is anyone ever so blessed??

And a grandfather at intermission in the aisle dancing to a princess tune with his grand daughter.

But the real boohoo moment for me was listening to the Cinderella song as she skated with her prince (i know COME ON right?!?!) But have you ever really heard the words and meaning behind her song?? I never had. It fit so perfectly with our struggle and infertiles. And touched my heart. And gave me hope before this surgery and before the upcoming IVF.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

After ward we went to Bingas Wingas in Yarmouth...SO good. The best wanted some wings...Redneck anyone?? I mean the sauce...it was called redneck and was a mix of buffalo and maple. hmmmOverall it was a BLAST of a day. And inspired a good old fashion Disney marathon in the near future. xoxo thanks for an amazing day ladies!

UPDATE

The office just called and said BPT was negative. So the DR said with all the progesterone and how long its been waiting for a period the hormones did a number on my lining and so it is getting rid of it very painfully. WONDERFUL

I am so sick and tired of every single thing having to be painful, long, and torturous. Why cant i be one of those girls that has it easy for once?

PITYPARTYMUCH?? I know. But i deserve to feel shitty about all this right now. And tommorow ill move forward.

miscairrage??

I don't know what is going on but 4 days ago i started bleeding, DR said stop BC and let myself have this 6 months awaited period before surgery. Fine right? except for the excruciating pain every couple of minutes. Shooting pain, like someone was knifing my cervix.

Went in yesterday for pre op appointment told him how bad the pain was. and how heavy the bleeding was ( going through a super tampon and pad every hour for 3 days now) and he said oh that's normal...it will be painful after 6 months blah blah. Male doctors and doctors in general never take us seriously. Its like he was thinking whiny lady on her period. I know how it feels to have rough periods after 5 or 6 months. I have PCOS, and going through treatments and surgery, i feel like i am a pretty tough chick. I would never complain to a doctor about period cramps. This is different it isn't period cramps.

Then this morning i went into work (now bleeding through a super tampon every 30 minutes) and went to change my tampon and took it out then after the plop of the tampon i felt something else some out and plop. WTF i looked at it and it looked NOT normal. pink and red with whiteness (veins?) it was a mass, not a flaccid clot. And i have been passing heavy large clots ever since. It was NOT a clot. but OF COURSE it had to be at work in a automatic flushing toilet so when i stepped away to grab something to retrieve it it flushed away. WTF FML.

So i left work and went straight to my DRs ( 5 minutes away) by the time i got their i had already bled through another super and pad and now amazingly enough my pants. I am a hot mess getting a blood preg test drawn and the amazing nurse said she would talk to the dr and when they got results back they'd call to let me know what he thinks.

I cant imagine i was pregnant again... but could that have been my old preg tissue?? (that the path report said they didn't retrieve) Or could it have been what they thought were polyps or possibly what they thought was the fibroid?? Either way The cramps from hell are back and I'm guessing something else will pass?? Ill be home and ready for it this time.


If anyone else has had a natural miscarriage can you shed some light on if this sounds like what you went through? I'm a little freaked out.

EXTREME COUPONING

I saw the extreme couponing show on TLC and said to myself I WILL master that. I am no where near mastered yet BUT my first shot at it was amazing !!!

I went to Rite aid and spent $33.49 and saved $71.00!!! Then was CVS I spent $23.28 and saved $50.95!!! And lastly Shaws I spent $58.76 and saved $51.97!

Over all I spent $115.53 and saved $173.92!!

The loot included:
4 bottles of laundry detergent
1 bottle of fabric softener
3 body washes
3 deoderants
3 shampoos and conditioners
2 q-tip packs
1 floss and 1 toothbrush
2 6packs of soap
2 hand soaps
3 dish soaps
1 pack of dishwashing tabs
4 tooth pastes
4 packs of gum
3 packs of hair accesories
2 ziplock freezer bags
2 cheesits 2 crackers
2 swiss rolls
2 chex mix bags
2 cake mixes
2 frostings
2 red hot
2 ranch
4 cans of soup
1 HUGE thing of mouth wash
AND 9 bottles of excedrin for FREE!!!

Wedding dress Repurposed

Okay lets start where it begins.

GIRL MEETS DRESS

Here I am, the cute brunette pre -PCOS symptoms and thinny!!!, and my MOH the best, Danielle...check out her blog...

**a backwoods boy and a fairytale princess** !!!

So this was my wedding day 9-27-08 . The dress was from Mardens...$99.00! A steal, it really is beautiful. Ever since my mom bought it for me i knew It was meant for so much more than 1 beautiful day. I always knew it would one day (soon) be meant to also rock our child, children, to sleep over lullabys and coos. Because it would be oh so effortless to get preggers and produce amazing healthy bambinos. RIGHT. But really I always wanted to recover a bassinet with its fabric, and i used to think also a scrapbook but now I'm debating.

GIRLS AMAZING SISTER MEETS BASSINET

My sister found this beauty at the Yarmouth dump.clean and pretty(ish). She brings me things to create with from there all the time. It is our secret gem. Shhh don't tell.

I Bleached it, twice. And documented the BEFORE. It isn't that I hated it, I didn't Love it either but I was determined to use it as my specimen. ( in the nursery)

Sidebar, the window treatments were draped as fabric in over our Arbour at our wedding. When taking it apart i realized the fabric swag was actually curtains. and the floral beady swag thingy (lol) is from the wedding as well, from our head table candle arrangement.

And here it is AFTER I cut apart and sewed back together the wedding dress i wore to marry the love of my life, now will hold and rock our baby some day. hopefully!

I kept the plaid ruffle and the inside quilted part and the so that the teddys and the under basket and the pouch would still match. I velcroed the dress skirt to the ruffle skirt so that it can be taken off (fabric wont machine wash well). Had sewed the umbrella top out of my train so that all that beautiful antique bead work would frame the bassinet. and the buttons are TO DIE! Seriously how beautiful is it?? And the antique button is from the stash I inherited from my meme D. Beautiful bead workNotice the little green pouch...what is it embellished with??My GARTER!!!! I had so much fun and cant wait to use this future heirloom.