I told my family...well half

We went to my moms house yesterday for Memorial day. We had a great bbq. My bestie was there so that's always fun. I asked her to take a photo of the fam damily and she got us all together then said everyone say...Kate is pregnant. I am the only one who said it and NOBODY reacted for a good 30 seconds they just stood there. Until my sister G said That is NOT a funny joke. Is she joking? and my mom started crying and everyone hugged us. But it was actually kind of akward. LOL (my mom thinks that means lots of laughs hehe)

It wasn't the magical moment I thought it would be. IF robbed me of that Baby loss robbed me of that. I am not lettin g myself think it outloud or even in my head but yesterday proved to me that I am still extremely nervous/ doubtful. I hate to even write it. I have stayed so positive. I am trying to still stay that way. Had to let the negative out so It doesnt consume me. Now its gone.

Im back to being cheerful and happy and still completely greatful.

5w7d

I am 6 weeks tommorow... I hope this lasts atleast 34 more weeks until I hold this baby in my arms. I always said I wouldnt have an only child but it is looking like it. I just want a healthy baby. And hapiness instead of sadness from then on.

2 days ago I had a bleeding scare and found out we lost a twin and now we are just hoping this baby stay in there and grows strong. I stopped bleeding by that night. I havent since then. I have been mostly resting on the couch.

The most reasuring thing right now is the newest pregger symptom ALL DAY SICKNESS.

I will welcome it and hope it means my baby is growing and getting stronger and well rooted in there. I love the baby already and just want to hold it in my arms.

Deep breaths

So I got blood take waiting on those results. I had an ultrasound and saw the most beautiful gestational sac ever, with a little bitty fetus. Too early to really see even that def too early to see a heartbeat. And below that sac is either a vanishing twin or a subcutanious bleed. I will most likely bleed more over the next few days as that resolves itself. But I am letting myself relax and have faith in this little baby. Baby will make it to my arms. I have to believe or I will go insane. I do feel relieved to have seen all the right things at all the right sizes. I also believe strongly that this was a twin. For some reason I had all the inclinations that I was having twins. One of my sensative friends had two dreams of these twins. So it is very sad somewhere deep inside to have another loss. But I will honor those feelings once I have this babe in my arms because for now it is more important to be strong and healthy for this baby.

God please let this resolve itself quickly so baby can keep growing and we can see heartbeat wednesday.

Please God dont let me lose these babies

I just started bleeding with clots, perios like flow. I am waiting for a call back from the doctor they are trying to get me an ultrasound and bloodwork. I am freaking out. This cannot be happening. These need to be my forever babies. I cannot believe this.

ZZZzzzz

I have been going to bed by 8 sometimes earlier, napping during the day if I have time, and I am still ready to go to sleep right now... ZZZzzz by 8 every night. OMG I bet there is two in there...any guesses people ???

5 wk 3 days

Feeling good. Less spotting then before. I think it has a lot to do with me being way to crazy at work last week. This week has been more relaxed this week and has felt a lot better.

Symptoms:
Extreme exauhstion. hunger constant. No morning sickness but definately a few low blood sugar moments. Baby brain IS REAL, I have mixed up words constantly and forgotten usual things i would def remember. My back hurts a lot quicker after doing a lot of bending. OH and elatedness!!! haha I know its not a word but after seeing my last numbers I am just relaxing in the fact that I AM pregnant and enjoying it completely.

I cant wait for JUNE 1st it is my ultrasound to see if my twins stuck! Also my little sisters graduation and I am so excited for that too!

I am following everyone still just trying to get to everyones blogs to keep up so I am sorry if im not commenting like i used to! Thanks for sticking with me. Praying for your BFPs.

Officially 5 weeks Pregnant

beta #4 : 2479 last blood work results before the ultrasound

Still more than doubling. I should be over the moon...but the progesterone is bugging me, along with the spotting on endometrin It just has my nerves in a funk. I am trying to trust my body...but it has let me down with pregnancy before. And has let me down in general for the past 3 years. I am eating healthy...MINUS the cotton candy I had earlier today awaiting results...ahem.

And the past 7 days have been nutso work wise but I am resting this week as much as possible.

PLEASE stay tight babies. Momma loves you so much already. Cant wait to see you on the big screen next week <3

grrr

Endometrin sups spotting continues, seems to be directly related to how active I am and I have been on my feet for 7 days in a row at work long hours on feet running around the whole time. I hope this isnt ruining my chances at keeping these babies snuggles in tight. I am going to talk to dr about it Monday after blood work. I need to do whatever I can to keep these babies happy.

update

Beta #3: 719 more than doubled!!!

Feeling confident until Monday no worries...hoping for nice big numbers by monday, then I should def be ablt to see a heartbeat by June 1st! Yay

Cant wait to see my little gummy bears <3

4w4d

Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. The spotting and cramping stopped. It seems to have been the endometrin just like so many suggested. It really rocked my little boat though, I had many a pep talk with those little embinos about how they need to sit tight yesterday. I believe they heard me :).
I am heading to go get my blood drawn this morning anyways just to ease my mind. Then again on Monday. If everything is all set until then then we will wait the week and two days to see them on the big screen lol.

Praying and trying my hardest to take it easy while working a pretty physically demanding job. Luckily I have a bunch of servers pulling for me and the babes that wil take the heavy lifting for me. And a pretty understanding friend at work who is always there to be the voice of reason, yet still make sure I am ok. She has gone through a long IF struggle and totally understands. I am forever grateful for her.

I am feeling cautious but definately optamistic. And very blessed. Today...I am still pregnant, thank you God!

2nd beta 4w2d **UPDATED**

was 324. Right on track. I should be happy about this, and I was ...yesterday. Then I woke up and realized I have no more B/w scheduled or anything else for that matter besides my progestrone supplements and a baby asprin everyday until June 1st which is our first ultrasound. And I am so nervous. I struggle and am bending and waving between hopeful and positive and happy enjoy the moment girl, and fear dread pescimistic girl. And this morning when I put in my endometrin there was light pink discharge on the applicator. I hope my cervix is just irratated by the med and this isnt the start of bleeding. I have had no spotting at all. Light cramping but more like twinges really. I am hoping it is normal growing pains.

Should I be having any special avoid misscarage answer panels drawn??
Or should I be having more b/w? Part of me is glad im not so i dont over analyze it. and part of me needs to see it keep rising. I dont know if I can handle another 2ww....

***So I called my nurse and she said she could order me another Blood test to put my mind at ease and separate the wait a bit. So Monday I have another Blood test. Thats a shorter wait. I can handle that.

waiting again...

Tommorow morning I have my follow up beta. I am hoping and praying for great big doubling numbers. I know after tommorows beta being good and doubling I will feel a little more at ease.
But the thing that I will be waiting for on pins and needles is the ultrasound. I want to see if they both made it and I need to see heartbeats before I tell our families.

I am throwing around ideas on how to tell them and I think I found one that might be fun. At a family get together I will say I want to take a family photo of everyone...And as I am about to snap the photo I will say ...Okay, saaayy Kates Pregnant!!! Or okay, saaayyy Kates having Twins!!! And snap a pic of them realizing what I have said.

I havent experienced MS yet, just a few nauseous moments here and there. But the same dry itchy nipples I had with my last pregnancy. A tugging sensation to the left of my bellybutton. sore boobs, and some light cramping, more of aching really. Tired for sure.

So grateful for today. I am pregnant today and thank God every minute for that. I am going to take in every moment this lasts. Because I know not everything does, but on that note i am doing everything possible to keep these babes healthy and snuggled.

11dp3dt BETA

Well...



























It is ...































165!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pregnant?!?!?!?! I think that is a strong number I feel like those babies are fighting just as hard as I am to stay in there and healthy! I am starting baby asprin today just in case my MC of Kayden was due to a clotting disorder. Beta # 2 Wednesday to see high doubling!!!!! I am still praying and for now and eating apples and pb and salad . Trying to keep babies healthy! Thank you God, please let these babies stay with me long after birth. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support!!! I am over the moon and trying to reel myself in and remember what happened last time but not let it affect me. I am going with positivity since it has gotten me this far.

Are these numbers high IVF ladies?? what were yours?

Waiting...

How is it that the wait on day of Beta draw is only a few hours and the other waits 2ww included that we endure seem so much shorter than the wait I have right now. Which is actually much shorter in reality but it seems that every minute is just slowing down more.

BETA i need you to be strong high and doubling. Please let my babies make it to my arms this time around.

ugggggggghhhhh....phone...RING....

Beta tomorrow!

What started out as these Follicles... And (little army men added) turned into these beautious little embinos...

Has now produced this beauty...My first ever digital test "pregnant" reading!!! I have beta tommorow and am hoping for an off the charts number so as to put my fears to bed for the most part. After a misscaraige this stage in pregnancy is not over the moon...I know how quickly it can be ripped away. And am praying these babies stick. I will update ASAP tommorow.

Baby Hopes is not having as good an outcome. My heart goes out to her and every other BFN this cycle. Love you ladies. Keep your chin up. Ill keep praying for your BFPs!

update

I am trying to put the testing behind me. After much great support and advice. I am once again putting down the stick and hoping and convincing myself that it was just how hydrated I made myself be for baby yesterday (a full 64 oz) When I barely ever get in 8oz. And that I was drinking that water and peeing every 5 min up until ed at 1130 then up only 5 hours later to POAS. So all in all I am truly hoping and making myself believe that I am indeed pregnant with a miracle baby(ies) for us after 3 years struggling to be pregnant and a heartbreaking loss.

I will not be POAS tomorrow or Monday before my Beta. I am praying for a nice strong HIGH beta that MORE THAN DOUBLES. PLEASE GOD. Feel free to pray along...

Also please pray for my Amazing cycle bud Baby Hopes she didn't get the stick result she was hoping for yesterday, but I am praying she gets them tomorrow!!!! Hang in Baby Hopes. xoxo

I have been at work all day, haven't eaten enough, am crampy, and achy, and EXHAUSTED. relaxing with my husband over salad lasagna and a movie.

oh no. 9pd3dt

I took a test this morning and it was lighter than yesterday. I have to work all day today. And all I can think of is what if this is a chem pregnancy and it is going away.
I worked til 11 last night and drank a ton of water and peed before I went to bed at 1130 and POAS when i woke up at 430 so IDK if it is because it wasnt concentrated enough or if it is dissapearing. GOD PLEASE LET THIS PREGNANCY STICK WITH US.

8dp3dt OMFG

OMFG I HATE BLOGGER right now. I haven't been able to get on in two days to check anything.
I am 8dp3dt and today is supposed to be the first day the embinos start producing traceable HCG.
I tested this morning twice both times faint positive. And my boobs currently have MAJOR blue road maps all the way into my nipples. They are super sore and I am guessing that is why.

I can't get my beta done until Monday though. ugghh. I will test clear blue digital tomorrow and sunday. Beta Monday and probably repeat Wednesday.

I am cautiously Optimistic. ( but really screaming yippeeee inside) I hate that It is a constant battle between how I really feel and how I know i should feel because so much could still go wrong.

Trying to stay calm and relax. Today I am pregnant. That is really cool.

6dp3dt

SOMEONE STOP ME FROM POAS.... I did it this morning, and yesterday morning if I am being honest. And they were both stark white. And yesterday that visual kept me on the couch ALL DAY reading Nicholas Sparks New Novel Safe Haven FRONT TO BACK. It was a great book. I highly recommend anyone who loves romance suspense novels. I am telling myself it wouldn't show up now anyway. I want this to work so badly though that it bothers me anyway.





Today according to the schedule I should be... Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining. So there Kate...Quiet your crazy mind, stop being paranoid. There is a very good chance you may be getting pregnant as we speak. I am trying to keep positive. Eat well, lay low. And take my prenatal and Suppositories. And God has given me so many signs that we are on the right path. I am hoping both embinos are implanting as we speak and by Saturday I should be able to test and get a second line. I will force myself to wait until Saturday to test again. I cant drive myself into anxiety.

5dp3dt

So according to that little list I posted today Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining.....

I hadnt felt anything really going on down there this morning, no cramping which I have had a lot of the past few days. And it had been a source of concern for me. But this morning I woke up and was like woohooo im not crampy. Then I put the laundry away. Now I am having a few twinges down there. But after reading todays schedule for the embinos, I am hoping it means they are burying in nice and cozy.

I really really really want to be pregnant. Desperately actually. There is 6 days left til beta. LONG 6 days.

4dp3dt

This is what read...


1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining (me right now)
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &
fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on
HPT

So Going by this I wont POAS until Friday. Which will be hard to do. Trust me. But I dont want to give myself false non-hope. Or give up my positivity. I have decided since my cycle bud is so positive I need to be too. Taking strength from you Baby Hopes. PUPO it is. So I am laying low low today and tommorow and we will see what Monday (a week from now) BPT brings. Hopefully somewhat of a good Beta. God please let this be our time to bring home our babies for real.

2dp3dt

Symptoms_


Hot flashes like a 60 year old menopausal woman


Gassy is a nice word to describe it.


AF Cramping


Around 6pm i had a sharp quick pain in my lower right abdomen and haven't felt any pain since


Constant need to check every one's blogs. Nothing new...5 min later go check again ect.


Maybe my mind is just trying too hard to occupy itself.


OH and these progesterone suppositories are disgusting oozing out all day EWW.








Lets just be honest I POAS this morning to make sure Ovadrel was out of my system.


I ADMIT IT OKAY





I am promising myself no peeing on a stick until at least next weekend.





My 10th anniversary is the 12th.


My mom brought me a mothers day present yesterday it is a recordable "mommy and Me" book and some coconut lime verbena cream from B&B works. It was so sweet. She now knows about the IVF and that I had the transfer. I told her it could be months until we know or say anything if we do know. She doesn't know any better so she is going with it. I am so grateful for my mom. I was so sad thinking mothers day I am a mom in my heart but my baby is in heaven, and now I am thinking how lucky am I that even if just for a short while my babies are in my tummy on Mother's Day.





I want to know the outcome now. So I can stop torturing myself with hope if it isn't to be for me. Or so I can be reassured if it will work out. I know God is good and in his time I will know, but my earthly self cant stand it.





I am having twinges in my lower right abdomen as I type that sentence I will take that as a good sign.





Praying so hard for my cycle buddy Baby Hopes. I am praying those babes are snuggling in as she rests and keeps them safe and cozy. Let this be her time, let this Mothers Day bring her the joy she longs for.


**********
After working all night I am feeling quite crampy and like I am overdoing it as much as I try not to my body is telling me I need to be lying down and doing nothing. So frustrating because I NEED to work...But making babies is more important to me. So I have covered my Monday shift and putting myself on moderated bed rest/ house arrest for the next 3 days. I NEED these babies to stick more than anything else right now.

oww

My girls are KILLING me. My nipples feel like I stuck ice cubes on them or something. they are beyond sensative.

Is this the 300 daily progesterone I am on???

1dp3dt

Okay so from now on to make the time creep by at an archiological pace...I mean to keep track of these magic moments post transfer and record my babies first days of introuterine life (HOPEFULLY) I am going to post a daily _p3dt all the way to test date (the 16th) (TEN days away IE a lifetime!).

So here does 1dp3dt...

I am crampy in the uterine area ( hoping god not bad sign)
My legs are oober achy, and my bbs are sore, like don't touch nip or you die!
On the bbs topic I also have crazy blue veins in them (like when I was pregnant in September) except this time it is obviously hormone meds at this point. Oh and I need new bras. Went up another cup size. SHOOT ME
CRAZY bad reflux/ heartburn today.

Other than that feeling fine. Laying low for the rest of the day and back to work tomorrow, light duty no lifting. The Dr said he couldn't give me a lb limit but just to listen to my body and do minimal to ensure maximum chances for Embino 1 and 2!!! Will do good doctor.

Off to lunch at our favorite Vals Drive in with mom to get out of the house for a little bit on this BEAUTIFUL day we have.

Insanity

Que Over analyzing every twinge, ache, and cramp.

I hate the 2ww.

WOOHOOOO TRASNFER COMPLETE

Not the best photo of them but these are my beautiful Embinos. I brought them home today.One is an 8 cell 3f HIP and one is a 7cell3f HIP <3

Honestly I really thought it would hurt having a full bladder. It wasnt that bad since I released some right befor ethe procedure. (I have a wonky bladder that once its full no matter how many times I pee it fills right back up in a matter of minutes. I peed 4 times before the transfer and it was full to the brim still) My nurses again were so fun, positive, and were actually fighting over me!! Haha Outside my curtain Karee said to Robin do you want me to do Kates paperwork with her, and Robin says..No Ill do Kate you can get so and so. I shouted theres enough of me to go around ladies!!! They were rolling on the floor. The actual transfer was fine. The worst part was the speculum as usual I hate that thing! The cathedar didnt really hurt. And I love that I am "with children" right now. I hope they Implant and stick around to see me in 9 months. Then after the procedure My DH and SILNicolle came with me to Olive Garden for some Lasagna Frittas YUMMMMMMM. The babes had a great first meal Then we came home for a 2 hour nap. I am laying around trying to let them settle in well.

So cute this morning Jason had a Hydrangea plant and two celeb mags for me to read while I lay around today! At olive garden I was surrounded (at the time they opened) with 4 pregnant women...and a brand new baby...and then when i woke up from my nap the tyra show was on (dont usually watch it) with a show about questions from the entire pregnant audience. ..hmmm I get the message!!!

Excitment

My transfer is right around the corner first thing in the morning, I pray my embinos multiply cells and divide well throughout the night. I pray for 2 beautiful Embabies to bring home with me.

I am excited to be carrying 2 babies even if only tommorow. But GOD please let this be our cycle that brings us our babies.

UPDATE on the Embinos

As of 10 am embie checks I have...
1-5cell preHIP Embryo without fragmentation
5-4cell prehip Embryos without fragmentation
3-3cell Embryos
2-2cell Embryos


WOOHOOO I am hoping for 2 or more HIP 8 and above cell Embryos tommorow.
915 transfer...Hopefully with my pal Nurse Robin...she is like my lucky charm I think lol.
Nicolle my sister in law wants to come with us and be in the room for the transfer. They said she could. It feels so good to have her support.

Cravings and Endometrin

Well I never knew Endometrin would feel like a constant flow of a crazy amount of CM!!!

And I have been craving red hot dogs and tacos like crazytown this whole time ive been on meds and tonight I HAD TO HAVE TACOS...so Jason picked me up tacos and I am a happy woman.

Still pretty uncomfortable some pain in the ovarian region when I get up and move around. I am laying low waiting to hear how Baby Hopes is doing :)

FERT UPDATE

11 out of the 15 are fertilizing!!!!!!!!!

I am crying. I am so happy. I feel like this is it for us. I hope.

11!!!!

Hit by a truck

I feel like it anyway... "breast tenderness" Is a major UNDERSTATEMENT!!! They feel like I got 80 mamograms in my sleep. Also my ovaries still feel like they are hanging by a thread in there so any time I stand or sit or walk i cringe. It. Hurts.

I just took my first endometrin sepository. 3x a day until...well until they tell me not to lol.

CANT WAIT UNTIL THEY CALL WITH MY FERT REPORT!!!!!

E2

PS...E2 was 1545!!

Retrieval day under our belt...Update!

Before I update on how our retrieval went I just have to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support, beautiful words of encouragement, and HUGS!!! I don't think I could have the peace I have about all of this if it weren't for the amazing support system I have on blogger and from my close friends. So thank you so much.

UPDATE...

We had our retrieval this morning around 9am. I was so so so anxious on the 45 minute drive there and the half hour wait in the lobby ( part of that time was for DH to go give his half of the ingredients). Then they brought me back and I had my favorite nurse Robin. She is a pro at the IV and has a good sense of humor. We laughed and joked about the 80's style gown and the hairnets. I kept teasing DH that I was fullfilling some type of Lunch lady fantasy he must have LOL. I should have taken a picture!!! Im sure I was the hottest one there that day! NOT!!

Then I met "Uncle Mike" the anesthesiologist. Who gave me my "coctails" on my "trip to Hawaii" I asked for sex on the beach...atleast I can dream of sex being a part of the babymaking these days right?? They all laughed at me.

The procedure went well and all in all I was only out for 15 minutes. It was just sedation anesthesia so I had no tube down my throat, so it was a nice slow sleep and wake up.

When I woke up they told me they got 15 EGGS!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!!! I was shocked. But it also makes sense now why I was in such discomfort the last two days and today after the procedure I have been soso sore. Ive taken 4 naps and am just laying low. Back to work for this girl tomorow. Cant wait to update with the fertility report tomorow!!!!

Retrieval tommorow!

Retrieval tomorrow morning 8 am. No food or drink after midnight, not that i ever eat after then lol. I am getting nervous now for sure.

I got sun today reading outside with the pups and now my med hot flashes are killer. I had started getting them at church this morning and because of the slight OHHS i was super uncomfortable and standing and sitting wasn't happening i sat the whole time as to not be in too much pain. But I needed to go and pray before tomorrow. I wanted to get a blessing from the priest. I am going to say what happened and then touch on how it made me feel later. I am trying so hard to stay cool and not stress so these embies have a good home to come back to.
The priest said OF COURSE what for? And I just blurted out IVF he asked what I meant I said In Vetro Fertilization. He said he could not bless me for moral reasons... I stood there dumbfounded i am pretty sure my jaw dropped and mouth was actually open. He said he didn't know my circumstance but that multiples made on purpose were not okay, not gods will. (he obviously has no clue what IVF is) and that embryos are discarded are abortions and killing babies is not okay. But he wished me well.

I left bawling my eyes out had to walk by all the parishioners to get to my car up the street.

This is why I don't call myself catholic. I believe in the relationship with God and not the "religion". I know this is GODS plan for us. I hear his voice in my life. I would not have made it this far without his support. I may never go back to my childhood church. But like I said I don't want to stress out so I have made my peace with what I am doing, it is right and good and the only way some of us out there fighting this battle for a family are going to get one. And that is okay. Support needed in a big way right now. Hott.Mess.